No One Likes Being Put Down

Q: Right now one thing I'm really struggling with is self esteem. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter what others think or what others say, but I still get self conscious.  I want to stand out and speak my mind but as soon as I make up my mind to say something a voice in my head tells me that others will think I'm even more of a freak and I often back down.

A: It’s important for us to decide whether or not we will allow our worries of what 'others think' stop us from acting and being who we truly are.  As long as we are not harming other people or ourselves, choosing to be true to who we are is so important. Choosing to be who you are regardless of other people's opinions is not always easy, especially in our school years- but it's possible!

No one likes being put down. I have learned that anything that someone says or does says way more about them and their character then it will ever say about you!

Worrying about loosing friends because of our beliefs and values can interfere with believing in ourselves. It’s important to remember that those who put you down for your beliefs and your values are not friends. True friends accept us. One true friend is worth way more than many friends who don't accept you for You.

Being clear about the person that you truly are, will help you to make choices about your actions, attitudes and reactions. Even though you feel uncomfortable around certain people, knowing your true self will help you act in a way that stays true to You!

People will have their opinions but in the end we have the final say in what we choose to believe about ourselves. Taking life One Good Choice at a Time is a great way to ‘push through’ any insecurity you may be feeling.

The first Good Choice is to replace all your negative, non-supportive thoughts with Positive, UPower thoughts.

FOR EXAMPLE: Your UPower thought might be - 'I choose to be courageous and take a stand for what I believe.'

·        At first your brain might tell you – ‘No you don’t’

·        Write it down so that it is a constant reminder. 

·        Keep With It! The more you read it, think it, say it - the more your brain will believe it!

·        It’s important to keep replacing those old negative thoughts with your New UPower thought!

It’s not always easy to choose to believe in ourselves, but it does get easier and is worth the effort.

·        Choose your thoughts wisely - your attitude depends on it!

·        Choose to believe in YOU even when it feels like NO one else does.

Choose to be who you truly are no matter where you are or who you're with - that’s using your UPower!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'.

Definition UPower® = We can’t always control the circumstances in our lives but we always have the Power to Choose our Choices - this is where our power lies. This is what I call our UPower.

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

 



You Have the Final Say about What You Believe

Q: I'm so sensitive to what other people say. What should I do?

I am a sensitive person as well. I used to allow everything to bother me because I would take what people did or said personally.

I always wanted everyone to be happy and to get along. I used to do whatever I could to try to fix things so that everything would be peaceful. It got to be exhausting. I started to realize that I couldn’t change and fix others - I could only change me. It can be hard when people don't act in a way that you wish they would, but unless they choose to be different, you can’t 'make them change’.

Choosing not to take things so personally is not always the easiest choice, but it is important, because it will help you build the confidence necessary to feel secure about yourself regardless of what people say/do.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions and to find healthy ways to release them. Holding your emotions inside will only cause you more upset and pain  and just like a balloon that has been filled with too much air - you will explode!

Here are some things that you can choose to do in order to help release your emotions:

• Write/Journal in order to release stress and worries.
• Write your feelings on a piece of paper then rip it up or shred it. 
• Find healthy ways to release your feelings – sports, walking, talking to a friend, punching a pillow etc. For more examples, please see the ‘Healthy Ways to Release Feelings’ download poster on my website listed under FREE STUFF.
• Tell people how you feel either face to face or by letter. This can help to release the emotions that you may be experiencing. Remember to communicate all your thoughts and feelings using the words ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’. Using these words will help you express yourself without blaming the other person. You are only sharing your feelings - not blaming - about the situation. (Remember that you don't have control over how they respond to your feelings)

Here are some things that you can choose to do in order to help build up your self confidence:

• Get clear about the person you want to be so that you can make your thoughts and opinions louder than the words you are sensitive to.
• Post what you want to believe about yourself around your room, so that it can serve as a friendly reminder of who you want to be/how you want to act/feel. (Ex. I choose to be respectful, I choose to be loving and kind etc.)
• Choose to surround yourself with people and friends that accept and support you. If you are having a hard time finding like-minded friends, try joining clubs or sports team. This way you will meet people with a common interest as you. 

Building a 'thicker skin' was something that I had to work on, because if I was sensitive to every opinion I heard, I would have given up on my singing/speaking career years ago. What others say and do says WAY more about them and their character than it will ever say about You!

'That's their opinion and it doesn't mean much...not til you say it does!'

                                     – lyrics from my song ‘Doesn’t Mean Much’

People will always have their opinions but at the end of the day YOU have the final say in whether you choose to believe it or not!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

 

Being Popular Does Not Guarantee Feeling Good About Yourself

Q: I would love to be popular. If I could just become popular, I would have lots of friends and feel good about myself. Tell me how to achieve instant popularity!

I know that the popular people seem to have it made. They appear to ‘be in charge’. People think once you are labelled popular, life becomes perfect and everything, including happiness, comes easily.

We’ve all heard the saying ‘the grass always looks greener on the other side.’ It’s true - it does look greener until you get there because, just like everyone else, even the 'popular people’ have issues (e.g. wanting to keep up with one another, talking about each other, not feeling completely accepted etc).

Sometimes it becomes too easy to define who we are for reasons outside of ourselves. For example: 'I am accepted, important and worthwhile because I have so many friends.'
If your happiness depends on the number of friends you have, this could create unhappiness especially if you don't reach the magic number of friends you have set in your mind.

Feeling Good about YOU comes from truly believing that you are important just the way you are! This comes from inside you.

I have spoken to many people who are considered in the 'popular crowd' who still struggle because they don't feel truly
accepted and cared about. Being popular and having lots of friends does not guarantee you will feel good about yourself.

Some people care more about social status than the true meaning of friendship.

I think your real desire should be to have loving, understanding, supportive friends. I have learned that the quality of friendships you create is far more important than the quantity.

Once you completely accept who you are, regardless of social status, feeling good about yourself and your life follows.

Do you remember in my UPower concert when I was talking about making choices from an End Result and I told you mine 'I Choose to Respect myself, others and my dreams'.

Here is an Exercise for you to do:
· Write out your End Result – answering the question ‘What do you want to believe about YOU?’
· Start with 'I choose....' and fill in the rest. You can add Confident, Loving, Understanding, Accepting etc.
· Hang it someone in your room so that you can use it as a visual reminder of what you want to believe about yourself, regardless of the number of friends you have. I do this and I find it helps to build my confidence and self-acceptance.
· Keep repeating what it is that you want to believe about YOU. You have the final say when it comes to what you choose to believe about you and your life!

Choose not to put your happiness on hold because you are waiting until you are 'popular' in order to be Happy with you and your life.

The more confident you are with yourself the easier it will be to attract great friends. Work on being the best person and friend that you can be. Take pride in who you are and what you have to offer.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

You are More than Your Body – More than You See

Q: Sara, I look in the mirror and cry every day. I want to put a sheet over my mirror. I don't like walking by anything that shows my reflection. I try not to look into them because I literally see myself getting fatter. I try to get myself to believe that I’m beautiful, but I’ve never EVER seen it. Sometimes I just want to crawl up in a ball on my bed and die because I’m so ugly and fat. I want to get married some day but I'm scared to date, due to eating. Each day is a battle. What can I do?

A: I understand how hard and frustrating it is to be at war with yourself. It’s a dark place to be. You’re right when you say that each day is a battle but let’s reframe that thinking and say ‘each day, each moment is about choices’.

When we are consumed with our bodies many of these choices seem to revolve around food: 'Should I eat? What should I eat? How much? Oops, that was too much - now I will be fat. Sound familiar?'

I empathize with your situation because when my dad died, my life felt out of control and uncertainty filled my world. The only thing I felt I could control was when and what I ate.

The next few years were very hard. I began to obsess about my weight and body. The scale became my constant friend - always nearby to ‘keep me on track.’ I began to define myself by the number on the scale. If the number decreased, I felt like I was accomplishing something great, but it never brought true happiness because there was always a lower number to aim for.

I was so consumed with my body that it was hard to concentrate on anything else. It became a full time job. I eventually reached a breaking point where I realized that I didn’t want this to consume my life anymore. I wanted to be happy again!

‘Look at me I know I'll never be that perfect 'cause we think...
Look at me, how could I be anything you’d wanna see?’
- lyrics from my song At War with Myself

I didn't know HOW I was going to start truly loving myself but I believed it was possible. There are still days that are challenging but I am committed to having a strong, healthy, beautiful relationship with myself.

Many people struggle with loving their bodies. It is easy to pick out the negative but choose to focus on the positive. Choose to be you. Choose to be on your team.

Right now it may seem impossible for you to believe you can be happy in your own skin, but it doesn’t have to be that way forever. Believing it is possible to love you & your body is the first step.

One thing I did was hang photos around my room of when I was 3 to 10 years old. That little girl loved her body. I needed reminders of who I was before I became obsessed with my body and weight.
The second thing I did was post positive affirmations (phrases like ‘I choose to love and respect my body’ or ‘I choose to see my beauty’) around my room so that I would be reminded of who I wanted to be.

At first, it was hard to write ‘I choose to love and respect my body’ because a little voice would say 'No you don't. You will when you’re as thin as she is’ But, it does get easier. I pushed through and kept to my commitment. I took it one moment at a time- one choice at a time. Anymore was too overwhelming.

I am happy to say that I have come to a place where I accept and respect my body. It may not be my idea of perfect but it is mine. So I am going to love it and continue to make it the best it can be.I hope you choose to do the same.

If you or someone you know has an eating disorder please visit www.anorexia-reflections.com,

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

Loving Your Uniqueness Compared To No One Else

Q: When you came to my school to do a workshop, I have to say that I don't remember any moment scarier than when you chose me to share about myself. I know that people say I look like a guy behind my back and to say it out loud in front of everyone ‘I'm aware that I look like a guy’- felt Great!

A: Thank you so much for having the COURAGE to feel the Fear and say it anyway! I admire you! The courage that you have is Powerful. Stay in that place, because in that place you will live a life that is not only extraordinary, but also authentic. What an amazing combination!

Your letter gives me the opportunity to write about one of my favourite topics ‘Loving Your Uniqueness’ – compared to no one else. Some of us may not be as brave and as accepting of ‘our true self’ as you are. The question then becomes: How do we fully embrace and love our unique selves?

For most people, it is much easier to find all the things that we feel ‘need to be fixed’ or ‘aren’t good enough’, but this way of thinking only has us be at war with ourselves. It’s not a fun or productive place to be and fighting who we are and how we look is exhausting.

I find that when we acknowledge what others may be thinking and what we are thinking, it can feel like a weight has been lifted from us. You may have heard the saying ‘the elephant in the room’ –meaning; that there is an issue that everyone knows about or a thought that everyone is thinking, but no one will bring it up or talk about it.

Talking about the issue or saying it out loud can be very freeing. This will also allow for a conversation to take place, where people get the chance to share their thoughts and feelings, which in turn allows us to move through whatever the issue is.

Each of us looks, thinks and feels differently, which is what makes our world so wonderful. Trying to be someone or something that you are not is frustrating. Plus it doesn’t allow people to get to know the wonderful you.

‘What do you get from not accepting? Maybe it’s time to stop rejecting.’ – lyrics from my song Love Crusade

Embracing your wonderful uniqueness will allow your confidence to grow. Being confident with who you are, is a key ingredient to true happiness.

Here is an exercise you can do in order to help you embrace YOU:
· Write down the things that you like about yourself. Write as many as you can think of (Ex: thoughtful, caring, animal lover, patient etc). If you have a great friend or a family member that you are close with and trust, ask them to share with you some great qualities that they notice you have.
· Take the things that you like about yourself and write them in large letters and place them in areas where you will see them.(Ex: mirror, locker, desk, binder etc). This will give you uplifting reminders of who you are.

Focusing on the great things about ourselves and our lives gives us to the ability to accept our uniqueness, to own it and to really make our lives and ourselves the best that they can be for us!

Choose to Start loving who you are - embrace your flaws and all. Give yourself the gift of self-acceptance and love! It is not about being Perfect. It is about being the best that you can be for you and really owning it!

‘Now you’ll hear my voice and I am going to Fly!’ - lyrics from my song Used To

Choose to be on your Team!


Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

It Hurts to Be Made Fun Of

Q: I am being made fun of because I have an acne problem. Sometimes I just can’t handle it. What should I do?
 

A: I understand how painful it is to have people say hurtful things about you.

We all have experienced it at one time or another. For me, a painful time was when I was in school and a boy said, ‘Sara you have a Big Bum.’ It seems funny to write that, but it was anything but funny when it was said.
Unfortunately I allowed that negative comment to affect me. I started to believe that I had a big bum. But that was only half the problem.

I also started to believe that my body was not good enough. That belief led to low self-esteem. I allowed these 'silly' comments to effect me, to have power over me.
‘What do we get from not accepting? Maybe it’s time to stop rejecting?' - lyrics from my song 'Love Crusade’

In order to get my self-confidence back on track I had to change my thoughts about myself. I had to say positive affirmations'.

What I mean by this is...every time a negative thought about me would creep into my mind I would replace it with something positive.

My affirmation was: 'I choose to love myself just the way I am.’ I even wrote it on my mirror and wall as a reminder. I kept saying my affirmation even though my mind was telling me - 'No you don't.’

I wanted to feel truly happy in my own skin. So I persisted until I believed it. Sometimes I still need reminders. We all do.

Never allow other people's negative comments define who you are!
People will challenge us: our looks, our beliefs, what we do. It can be hurtful and upsetting.

You define who you are by the thoughts you choose to hold about yourself! So choose your thoughts wisely.
Remember you are not alone. There are many people who are going through the same or similar situation.

If you ever feel that you need to talk to someone anonymously Kids Help Phone is a great resource.

In Canada please call 1 800 668 6868 or visit www.kidshelpphone.ca

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

I Just Want to Be Me

Q: This year I often feel like I can't speak my mind because people will make fun of me. I feel like I am two different people. One side of me is my 'school-self' and my other side is my 'home-self'.

A: I think that we can all relate to this.

I remember my 'school self' being different from my 'home self'. My 'school self' was more self conscious - worried about what others thought about me - wanting to be liked and accepted by everyone. I did have confident moments and many good times in school, but I seemed to have a little naggy voice in my head saying - 'What will they think? - Do they really like me?'

Looking back, I can see that there were times when those self defeating thoughts stopped me from being totally free to Just be Me.

My 'homeself' felt and still does feel Free - a place where I allow myself to relax and be me. When I am home I don't worry about my clothes matching or what my hair looks like. I can choose to change into my pjs as soon as I step inside the door and I can choose to feel my true emotions in the comfort of my own room without worrying about feeling judged.

When you feel that you are not being who you really are, you are most likely worried about what other people are thinking about you. The true essence of who you are should not change from place to place. If, for example, you are someone who is respectful of yourself and of others, that needs to be noticable wherever you are regardless of what others may think of you.

Having a safe place where you feel comfortable to Just Be You and to feel whatever it is you are feeling, is very important. It helps us to stay balanced, to release and to re-energize.

In all honesty I still have moments when I worry about what other people think about me. But now I recognize those moments.

That recognition now gives me choices:
· To allow those thoughts to hold me back from being me
· To notice the thought and take a stand for who I am regardless of the opinions of others

If you feel as though you have to pretend to be someone or something that you are not in order to 'fit in', not only is it exhausting, but it's also frustrating.Your true friends will accept you for who you are.

Find that happy medium between your 'home self' and your 'school self'. Being true to You will be way more fulfilling than trying to be someone that you are not.

At the end of the day when you look in the mirror, I believe it is imperative that you can say ‘I am proud of who I was today.’

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Being At War With Myself – A Dark Place To Be

As a teenager and young adult, judging and comparing myself to others seemed to come naturally. Most of the time, I felt I couldn't measure up. Judging myself so harshly created a war between my body and me. I was rejecting my body and my true self at an alarming rate.

Although I wore a smile & appeared confident on the outside - inside I was frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed and sad. This kind of thinking was quickly leading me down the path of self-destruction.

It was scary not knowing HOW I would become a strong, confident young woman who loved ‘the skin she was in.’ I really wanted and needed to believe that it was Possible to believe in me.

Self rejection is a dark place to be and there is a fine line between here (the healthy, self confident me) and there (the critical, self consumed me).

When I ask myself, 'Do I really want to go back to that dark, lonely place just so I can fit into those jeans?’

I think about it for a moment, and only a moment, and I say ‘NO WAY!’ I am committed to choosing me! I am committed to being on my team!

Sara
xoxox

P.S. I wrote the song and created the video ‘At War with Myself’ to let everyone know that even though we may be struggling, We Are Not Alone!
http://www.youtube.com/upowerconcerts#p/u/6/ItHzh6iZFuM

Believe that You are Enough

Q: I’m really going through a lot and there’s no one I can talk to. I’m hating myself by the second. My self esteem out of a 10 is like a 1. I just want someone to care about me. What should I do?

A: I want you to know that you ARE Important and that You Matter!!
Sometimes other people can’t always provide the reassurance and encouragement that we so want from them. Please always remember that because you were born- because you are here - it means that you matter and the world needs You!

Let me share something with you.


I didn't always believe in ME. I didn't always have the Confidence that I have chosen to have now.
I worried so much about what others thought of me that I would cry myself to sleep every night. Sure I had great friends, but I always worried that maybe they didn't really like me or that I wasn't good enough.


After attending life courses at a young age, I realized that when my Dad left without saying good bye, I had taken it personally. I made it mean that there was something wrong with me. I had decided to believe that I was not good enough. So I was always trying to be accepted by others to prove that I was good enough.

I was trying to fill the hole I had from my Dad leaving, by having loads of friends. I soon realized that no friend could fill this hole - this was something that had to come from me.

First, I needed to forgive my Dad for leaving and not telling me what was happening. (Forgiveness isn't saying what happened is okay, it is saying that I am no longer willing to carry around the pain and hurt any longer.)
After forgiving him, I now had to re-choose my belief about myself and what I made his leaving mean. I started to see that it was not that there was something wrong with me. It was that my Dad brushed everything 'under the carpet' instead of dealing with things. It was too scary for him. I started to see that even though I didn't like how my Dad handled leaving, in his mind he was doing the 'Right' thing.

It wasn’t easy to make the choice to change my outlook. Even though I didn't enjoy crying myself to sleep every night, I got used to it. I decided that I had enough of blaming my dad for how everything looked. I couldn’t change the circumstance but I certainly could change how I saw it. So I decided to use my UPower and make new CHOICES by:

WRITING

• in my Journal about my pain, frustration and upset. I wanted to get all the 'poor me' stuff out.
• how I wanted to feel about my Life, my Dad and myself
• the choices I would have to make in order to obtain my new outlook
• what I needed to FOCUS on in order to love me and my life.
  
  THEN

FOCUSING ON

• the quality that I loved about my Dad - his humour (instead of focusing on the things that drove me crazy)
• the things that I loved about myself – my smile, my kind heart (even if you can only think of one or two things that is a good start)
• the things in my life that I was Grateful for (health, clothing, chocolate.... :)

Every time my mind would start FOCUSING on my old way of thinking, I would steer it back to the things in my life that I am grateful for. Since I had them written down I could always look at that piece of paper if I ever forgot. Keep a piece of paper in your pocket, your wallet, your binder etc. of what you are grateful for.

Total Self Worth and Self Esteem does not happen overnight. It happens by taking life 'One Good Choice at a Time!' :) I am not saying it’s easy. What I am saying is that you are worth it.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'.

Judging and Comparing Yourself to Others Starts A War Within You

Q: You’re super lucky to be you because you’re skinny. Everyone always calls me fat. I wish I was you.

A: I wasn't always the size I am now. I was bigger when I was younger.
When I was growing up, some people would make remarks about the way I looked and I felt as though the hurt and sadness would last forever. The sadness came from believing the negative opinions, which then led to me criticizing myself. That’s how the war between myself and my body started.

'What do you get from not accepting? Maybe it’s time to stop rejecting?'
- lyrics from my song 'Love Crusade' ♫ http://blip.fm/~bflfh

I used to compare myself to one of my best friends who had long thin legs. I thought that she had perfect legs and since mine were shorter and bigger, that meant that mine were not beautiful.

Another person I used to compare my body to was my older sister. She was smaller than me and I used to constantly wish I had her body. I thought that if I did, my life would be better.


Comparing myself to them was ridiculous. It wasn’t going to change anything. It wasn't going to make my legs longer and thinner or my body skinnier. Plus, my friend, my sister and I had totally different body types and bone structures.

Now, there is nothing wrong with looking at someone to inspire you to get in shape and eat healthier. But the problems occur when we look at other people and decide we would rather BE them and, in turn, we give up on ourselves and our uniqueness.

One day, instead of all this, ‘judging and comparing’ myself to others and ‘wanting to be someone else’ stuff, I decided to 'choose me'!

'Choosing me' meant that I decided to make my body and myself the best that it could be for me, without comparing it to anyone else. I was tired of rejecting my body. I was tired of being at war with myself.

Here are 4 tools that continue to help me:

• Journaling - Clear your mind and heart. There is something very freeing about writing out your thoughts and emotions on paper.
• UPower Notes - Write uplifting, empowering, encouraging thoughts or words. Place them everywhere that you will see them. Two of my favorites are; “I choose to love and respect myself” and simply the word “freedom”.
• Being Grateful to My Body - I took the parts of my body that I resented and wrote down all the reasons that I should be grateful. For example: my legs allow me to run, walk, and I can paint my toenails. This exercise helps me to look at my body and appreciate it.
• Eating Healthy & Exercising - Once I started being grateful to my body I realized I needed to take good care of it, so that it could do everything that I wanted and needed it to in a day. Each day I would eat healthy foods - fresh fruits, veggies (lots of salads), etc. and no junk food. I began to go power walking. I even started going to the gym, so that I could learn how to use weight training to shape my body. When I started taking care of myself, I started enjoying the journey back to loving me.

I can now see that criticizing ourselves and believing the criticism of others, only leads to unhappiness. In the end, the only opinion that matters is the one that we choose to believe about ourselves!

I know that it’s easier said than done, but learning to really respect yourself and your body is so important to true happiness! It isn't about being skinny - everyone has a different body shape and size - it is about being healthy and happy!

Until next time…

This has been ‘my voice’ but I respect that this is your life, this is ‘your choice’