Stand Up for Your Unique Self

Q: Hey Sara, your performance at the cinema was amazing but I have a question...how do you do your own thing even when your friends are going to do something you know you shouldn't or they are not doing something that you want to? For example: at your UPower concert when you asked us to wave our arms to your song I felt like I shouldn't cuz my friends weren’t and I was also worried that I was going to get made fun of.

A: Sometimes worrying about what other people will think holds us back from behaving in a manner that is not appropriate or in a way that could be harmful. So in SOME cases allowing the opinions of others to influence you is a good thing.

However, there are many times when people worry so much about what others think of them, that they don't allow themselves the freedom to be who they truly are. Instead they hide their talents, their abilities and their personality in order to fit in!

It’s easy to allow your mind to create ’what if’s’ about situations and to worry about what others may think.

For example:

·        ‘What if I wave my hands in the air and everyone thinks I look ridiculous?'

·        ‘What if I wear my new outfit to school and people don't like it?’

·        ‘What if I don't make the basketball team - will people think that I'm a bad athlete?’

The ‘what if's’ can be never ending. Sometimes we even answer the ‘what if’ questions that play over and over in our minds.

For example:

Q: ‘What if I wave my hands in the air?’

A: ‘Everyone might think I look ridiculous. Then I will feel embarrassed. I might even get made fun…not just that day...maybe the rest of the year! People might not want to hang out with me etc.'

    Even if a small voice in your head is saying, ‘Just go ahead, it’ll be fun’, it will take a lot of courage to go against all the ‘what ifs’ your mind has created from the simple act of wanting to wave your hands in the air during a song.

 

Since we all have a strong desire to fit in, to be accepted and to be loved, it’s easy to do or not to do something in order to obtain acceptance.

Most of us spend a lot of time trying to look good for other people and I don't just mean with our fashion sense.

Giving in to the 'worries' of embarrassment and allowing those worries to stop you from being who you truly are, means that you end up missing out on the fun and freedom of allowing yourself to express YOU in a Unique way!

Here is something that I found helpful as a teenager. I wrote down the type of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be Respectful, Understanding and Confident. Whenever a situation would come up I would ask myself if I was being true to those characteristics.

Also ask yourself:

·        Is it more important to 'fit in' at the cost of not being your unique self? (If people put you down for waving your hands to a song, are those the people that you want to call friends?)

or

·        Is it more important for you to enjoy being You? - 'waving your hands in the air like you just don't care' regardless of what others may think. (Plus, deciding to wave your hands in the air, may have others following your lead!)

Always keep in your mind the person that you want to be and make CHOICES that will lead you there!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'          

 P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

No One Likes Being Put Down

Q: Right now one thing I'm really struggling with is self esteem. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter what others think or what others say, but I still get self conscious.  I want to stand out and speak my mind but as soon as I make up my mind to say something a voice in my head tells me that others will think I'm even more of a freak and I often back down.

A: It’s important for us to decide whether or not we will allow our worries of what 'others think' stop us from acting and being who we truly are.  As long as we are not harming other people or ourselves, choosing to be true to who we are is so important. Choosing to be who you are regardless of other people's opinions is not always easy, especially in our school years- but it's possible!

No one likes being put down. I have learned that anything that someone says or does says way more about them and their character then it will ever say about you!

Worrying about loosing friends because of our beliefs and values can interfere with believing in ourselves. It’s important to remember that those who put you down for your beliefs and your values are not friends. True friends accept us. One true friend is worth way more than many friends who don't accept you for You.

Being clear about the person that you truly are, will help you to make choices about your actions, attitudes and reactions. Even though you feel uncomfortable around certain people, knowing your true self will help you act in a way that stays true to You!

People will have their opinions but in the end we have the final say in what we choose to believe about ourselves. Taking life One Good Choice at a Time is a great way to ‘push through’ any insecurity you may be feeling.

The first Good Choice is to replace all your negative, non-supportive thoughts with Positive, UPower thoughts.

FOR EXAMPLE: Your UPower thought might be - 'I choose to be courageous and take a stand for what I believe.'

·        At first your brain might tell you – ‘No you don’t’

·        Write it down so that it is a constant reminder. 

·        Keep With It! The more you read it, think it, say it - the more your brain will believe it!

·        It’s important to keep replacing those old negative thoughts with your New UPower thought!

It’s not always easy to choose to believe in ourselves, but it does get easier and is worth the effort.

·        Choose your thoughts wisely - your attitude depends on it!

·        Choose to believe in YOU even when it feels like NO one else does.

Choose to be who you truly are no matter where you are or who you're with - that’s using your UPower!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'.

Definition UPower® = We can’t always control the circumstances in our lives but we always have the Power to Choose our Choices - this is where our power lies. This is what I call our UPower.

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

 



You Have the Final Say about What You Believe

Q: I'm so sensitive to what other people say. What should I do?

I am a sensitive person as well. I used to allow everything to bother me because I would take what people did or said personally.

I always wanted everyone to be happy and to get along. I used to do whatever I could to try to fix things so that everything would be peaceful. It got to be exhausting. I started to realize that I couldn’t change and fix others - I could only change me. It can be hard when people don't act in a way that you wish they would, but unless they choose to be different, you can’t 'make them change’.

Choosing not to take things so personally is not always the easiest choice, but it is important, because it will help you build the confidence necessary to feel secure about yourself regardless of what people say/do.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions and to find healthy ways to release them. Holding your emotions inside will only cause you more upset and pain  and just like a balloon that has been filled with too much air - you will explode!

Here are some things that you can choose to do in order to help release your emotions:

• Write/Journal in order to release stress and worries.
• Write your feelings on a piece of paper then rip it up or shred it. 
• Find healthy ways to release your feelings – sports, walking, talking to a friend, punching a pillow etc. For more examples, please see the ‘Healthy Ways to Release Feelings’ download poster on my website listed under FREE STUFF.
• Tell people how you feel either face to face or by letter. This can help to release the emotions that you may be experiencing. Remember to communicate all your thoughts and feelings using the words ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’. Using these words will help you express yourself without blaming the other person. You are only sharing your feelings - not blaming - about the situation. (Remember that you don't have control over how they respond to your feelings)

Here are some things that you can choose to do in order to help build up your self confidence:

• Get clear about the person you want to be so that you can make your thoughts and opinions louder than the words you are sensitive to.
• Post what you want to believe about yourself around your room, so that it can serve as a friendly reminder of who you want to be/how you want to act/feel. (Ex. I choose to be respectful, I choose to be loving and kind etc.)
• Choose to surround yourself with people and friends that accept and support you. If you are having a hard time finding like-minded friends, try joining clubs or sports team. This way you will meet people with a common interest as you. 

Building a 'thicker skin' was something that I had to work on, because if I was sensitive to every opinion I heard, I would have given up on my singing/speaking career years ago. What others say and do says WAY more about them and their character than it will ever say about You!

'That's their opinion and it doesn't mean much...not til you say it does!'

                                     – lyrics from my song ‘Doesn’t Mean Much’

People will always have their opinions but at the end of the day YOU have the final say in whether you choose to believe it or not!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

 

Taking a Stand for Respect

Q: When I stick up for someone, people say that I just want attention and they say some rude stuff. What do I do?

When I was in grade 7 there was a girl in my class who got made fun of everyday. Sometimes I would wonder how she came to school knowing that people were going to be cruel. I can remember walking home from school one day thinking, ‘I want to be someone who takes a stand for what I believe in. I want to take a Stand for Respect!’

When I made the choice to stand up for Respect I knew that meant taking a stand for the girl in my class who was getting made fun of or ignored everyday. I was nervous. I was worried about what others would think but I decided to 'feel the fear and do it anyway!' I put my new choice into action by saying 'hi' to her with a smile and by not talking about her in a disrespectful way. Two simple acts that are hard to do when everyone else is not doing the same.

There were people who turned on me by saying, 'What! Are you two best friends now? Sara you're too nice!' and I could tell by the tone in their voice that they didn't mean those words as a compliment. I knew I could not change how they acted but I could definitely choose my actions and opinions.

It’s hard to take a stand especially when no one else is there to support you. There is a saying that says 'It’s easy to stand with a crowd and hard to stand on your own.' It’s not always easy, but it is Possible to take a Stand for Respect regardless of what others think! I knew I needed to take a stand for what I believed was right.

A few months later I received a note from that young lady in my class.

Dear Sara,
You are the best out of the gang. You don't make fun of me. Why? I really like you. I want to be friends with the other ones but they don't want to be friends with me. I guess what I am trying to say is Thank You for not making fun of me!

Although it was hard to stand alone, it felt good knowing that I was doing what I believed was Right and Respectful. Today as I look back to grade 7 I am so happy I chose to take a stand. I have moved many times and I am now 29 and that note still means a lot to me. How we choose to treat ourselves and others can have lasting effects.

Choose not to allow what others think to determine what you Believe about you! Keep taking a stand for Respect for yourself and for others! The more you do it the easier it will become.

Remember - people have their opinions, but those opinions don’t mean anything until you say they do!! You have the final say in what you choose to believe about yourself and the world.

‘Act in the moment but choose to act in a way you will be proud of for the moments to come' - that's using your UPower.

Until next time...


This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

    P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help,

one of the best UPower choices you can make is to

Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors,

friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

It’s Easy to Get Caught Up in What Everyone Else Thinks

Q: I've been feeling like a failure because I haven't been able to live up to everyone else’s expectations. I haven’t even considered what my expectations are because they are centered on everyone else’s. I am so tired of trying to be everything to everybody. What can I do?

Balance is the Key!
I think we all struggle to find balance from time to time. For me, finding balance was difficult at first. I am someone who likes everyone to get along and be happy. I thought that maybe, just maybe, by being really easygoing and by doing what was asked of me, there would be no conflict. However, this was not the case. The major conflict that bubbled up was the one within myself. I realized that people were beginning to see me as a ‘pushover’ rather than as easygoing. I also learned that people don't respect those who are 'wishy- washy' with their beliefs and actions.

Taking a stand for what you want and for what you believe in, is so important! It’s what will help you find out who you are. When you are not clear about who you are, it is easy to do things you don't want to do and to become what everyone else wants.
For example: Someone who is not clear about whether they want to try smoking or not will be easily influenced to take up smoking if their friends smoke. It is easy to follow the crowd if you are not clear about what you want for you.

Let's be honest - it’s so easy to get caught up in what everyone else thinks, wants and expects from us. When this happens you are taking other people’s life journey not your own. Discovering who you are and what you will tolerate is an essential step towards helping you create balance within yourself.

There is a song lyric by Ricky Nelson that says:
'you can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself.'

It sounds selfish but when we try to please everyone around us all we have really accomplished is the feeling of being overwhelmed and a sense of failure. If you’re not taking care of yourself and showing yourself love and attention, not only will you end up getting burnt out, but soon a feeling of resentment and bitterness will start to grow inside of you.

This can happen because you feel so unhappy with the fact that, even though you are trying your best, you discover you are not pleasing everyone. You start to see that you have spent so much of your precious time and energy doing things that aren't really true to who you are. Then you realize there is no time left for you to do what you are passionate about.
Listen to what people have to say with an open mind and heart. However, instead of just deciding to go along with it because you are afraid of what people will say and think, really listen to yourself, so that you can become clear on what you truly believe.

Finding a balance between what other's want from you and what you want from yourself and your life is essential to finding peace within yourself.
Take time to have quiet moments with your own thoughts so that you can see what it is that you want for you and your life. Journal about it. Take long walks. Sit quietly in your room. Pay close attention to your thoughts.

Choosing to Listen and to Help others is a wonderful character trait but always make sure that you are also listening to your needs and taking time for you!
Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Being Popular Does Not Guarantee Feeling Good About Yourself

Q: I would love to be popular. If I could just become popular, I would have lots of friends and feel good about myself. Tell me how to achieve instant popularity!

I know that the popular people seem to have it made. They appear to ‘be in charge’. People think once you are labelled popular, life becomes perfect and everything, including happiness, comes easily.

We’ve all heard the saying ‘the grass always looks greener on the other side.’ It’s true - it does look greener until you get there because, just like everyone else, even the 'popular people’ have issues (e.g. wanting to keep up with one another, talking about each other, not feeling completely accepted etc).

Sometimes it becomes too easy to define who we are for reasons outside of ourselves. For example: 'I am accepted, important and worthwhile because I have so many friends.'
If your happiness depends on the number of friends you have, this could create unhappiness especially if you don't reach the magic number of friends you have set in your mind.

Feeling Good about YOU comes from truly believing that you are important just the way you are! This comes from inside you.

I have spoken to many people who are considered in the 'popular crowd' who still struggle because they don't feel truly
accepted and cared about. Being popular and having lots of friends does not guarantee you will feel good about yourself.

Some people care more about social status than the true meaning of friendship.

I think your real desire should be to have loving, understanding, supportive friends. I have learned that the quality of friendships you create is far more important than the quantity.

Once you completely accept who you are, regardless of social status, feeling good about yourself and your life follows.

Do you remember in my UPower concert when I was talking about making choices from an End Result and I told you mine 'I Choose to Respect myself, others and my dreams'.

Here is an Exercise for you to do:
· Write out your End Result – answering the question ‘What do you want to believe about YOU?’
· Start with 'I choose....' and fill in the rest. You can add Confident, Loving, Understanding, Accepting etc.
· Hang it someone in your room so that you can use it as a visual reminder of what you want to believe about yourself, regardless of the number of friends you have. I do this and I find it helps to build my confidence and self-acceptance.
· Keep repeating what it is that you want to believe about YOU. You have the final say when it comes to what you choose to believe about you and your life!

Choose not to put your happiness on hold because you are waiting until you are 'popular' in order to be Happy with you and your life.

The more confident you are with yourself the easier it will be to attract great friends. Work on being the best person and friend that you can be. Take pride in who you are and what you have to offer.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

‘The How’ in Our Lives isn’t Always Up to Us

Q: In your career as a singer have you ever been overwhelmed with making your dream a reality?

A: Let me first share a little bit about me:
When I was three years old I told my mom that I would be a singer. At eight,I started taking singing lessons and by eleven I was a paid performer working at a dinner theatre doing what I love to do - sing. Throughout my teen years I entered competitions, sang at festivals and recorded albums.

Up to that point I mainly sang cover songs (songs that other people had written).I enjoyed writing lyrics and melodies, but since I do not play an instrument, I couldn’t compose the music to play along with it. My melodies and lyrics come from my heart and head. I didn’t know how performing my own songs would happen, but I believed it was possible.

Six years ago I was at a music conference in Toronto, and I kept running into this one guy over and over again. Every workshop I was in - there he was. Since I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I finally went up to him and said “We keep bumping into each other - let’s figure out why.”
So, we began to chat and he said that he was a composer. I didn’t think much of it. We exchanged emails and went our separate ways.

We corresponded through email for a few months. Then it occurred to me – maybe he could write music for me. I asked and he liked the idea. He started sending me music that I wrote the melodies and lyrics for. It turned out to be a perfect fit and we have been writing together ever since.

I share this story with you because I wanted you to see that sometimes we may not know how something will happen or how we will get to where we want to be, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.

Knowing that ‘the how’ is not up to me has kept me going. Otherwise my dreams and goals seem too overwhelming. Getting caught up in that overwhelming feeling would make it easy to give up and just do something else.

Determination, perseverance, dedication, working effectively, not being afraid of asking questions and believing in who you are and what you have to offer is so important - even when others may not believe in you.

I have come along way since that eight year old little girl because I push forward and I refuse to give up!

It is not about being the best - it is about pushing yourself to be the best you can be for you.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Believe it’s Possible for You to be Confident

Q: I am extremely shy and was wondering if you know any way to help me out.

A: I am not normally a shy person, but I have had moments where I feel shy.

When I look back on those moments I can see that I lacked self-confidence, and that I didn’t feel completely comfortable with my surroundings.

By being shy, people don’t get a chance to know the real you. Shyness can also result in being left out or overlooked. Being shy can at times be misinterpreted as being rude.

Here are some ways to help break your shyness:

· Believe it is possible for you to be confident. I put this point first because if you choose not to believe in the possibility of who you can be then there is no space for change or growth.
· Build up your self confidence. When you like yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin it is much easier to take on new situations. One activity that has really helped boost my self confidence is affirmations. Affirmations are words or phrases that I write on a sticky note or piece of paper and place somewhere that I will see them every day.(e.g. ‘I choose to believe in myself and love who I am’) At first, when you say this to yourself, your brain may say ‘Yeah, right!’ - mine did. But it is up to us to choose our thoughts. Keep replacing any negative thoughts with uplifting, upowering thoughts about yourself. Stay committed to it and it will start to become a habit and a way of thinking for you. You may have moments when your mind wanders into negative territory, but choose to bring it back to where you want it to be. Remember to choose your thoughts wisely.
· Visualize yourself in different life situations acting very confident. See how it looks - how does it feel. When you visualize, it’s like giving your mind and body a blueprint or a map of where you want to go and whom you want to become. I do this every time before a performance. I visualize how I want to feel and present myself on stage and how I want to feel when I am exiting the stage.
· Get involved in activities, groups or sports that you enjoy. You will meet like minded people which will make it easier to break through your shyness. Sharing something in common with others is a great way to get to know new people and make friends. When you surround yourself with great, like minded people, your self esteem will benefit.
· ‘Fake it‘til you make’ is a saying that I have used to help me through tough moments. For example, I may not be feeling confident in a certain situation so I think about how a confident person acts, how they hold themselves. Their head is high, their shoulders are back, and they speak with strength. You can copy that. Act like a confident person would act. Put your shoulders back, hold your head high, even if you feel out of your comfort zone.
· Surround yourself with people who are similar to how you want to be. There is a saying ‘You become who you hang around’- very true. The people we hang around rub off on us. Choose your friends carefully.
· Push yourself to be the person you want to be. One day you will realize that you have grown into that person.

There are times in life where even the confident people act shy. But is that them being shy or just acting quiet? To me being shy and being quiet are two different things. Someone who is shy is easily frightened away. Being quiet is choosing, for that moment or for that setting, to sit back and be an observer, a listener and take it all in.

Different circumstances, in life, will call on different personality traits to shine through. Having the ability to choose which one shines bright is up to us. We all have the ability to learn, change and grow. Just because you feel like you are shy now doesn’t mean that you have to choose to be that your whole life.

It will take some work, but the benefits of believing in who you are and what you have to offer will be worth the effort. Self confidence is just a thought away.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice', but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'.

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

I Just Want to Be Me

Q: This year I often feel like I can't speak my mind because people will make fun of me. I feel like I am two different people. One side of me is my 'school-self' and my other side is my 'home-self'.

A: I think that we can all relate to this.

I remember my 'school self' being different from my 'home self'. My 'school self' was more self conscious - worried about what others thought about me - wanting to be liked and accepted by everyone. I did have confident moments and many good times in school, but I seemed to have a little naggy voice in my head saying - 'What will they think? - Do they really like me?'

Looking back, I can see that there were times when those self defeating thoughts stopped me from being totally free to Just be Me.

My 'homeself' felt and still does feel Free - a place where I allow myself to relax and be me. When I am home I don't worry about my clothes matching or what my hair looks like. I can choose to change into my pjs as soon as I step inside the door and I can choose to feel my true emotions in the comfort of my own room without worrying about feeling judged.

When you feel that you are not being who you really are, you are most likely worried about what other people are thinking about you. The true essence of who you are should not change from place to place. If, for example, you are someone who is respectful of yourself and of others, that needs to be noticable wherever you are regardless of what others may think of you.

Having a safe place where you feel comfortable to Just Be You and to feel whatever it is you are feeling, is very important. It helps us to stay balanced, to release and to re-energize.

In all honesty I still have moments when I worry about what other people think about me. But now I recognize those moments.

That recognition now gives me choices:
· To allow those thoughts to hold me back from being me
· To notice the thought and take a stand for who I am regardless of the opinions of others

If you feel as though you have to pretend to be someone or something that you are not in order to 'fit in', not only is it exhausting, but it's also frustrating.Your true friends will accept you for who you are.

Find that happy medium between your 'home self' and your 'school self'. Being true to You will be way more fulfilling than trying to be someone that you are not.

At the end of the day when you look in the mirror, I believe it is imperative that you can say ‘I am proud of who I was today.’

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.