You are not Responsible for Other People’s Happiness

Q:I have a really sad friend. I’ve known him for a long time and it seems like everything is going wrong in his life right now. I’m trying really hard to get him to see the positives and not to focus on the negatives. It’s just hard when he is so sad. He always tells me how happy he is when he’s with me or talking to me. I’m trying my best to be his friend but I feel he wants to date. I want to make him happy but do not want to date him. What should I do?

A: Seeing someone hurting that you care about, is hard. We want to fix the problem and make the pain go away. Wanting to lift the spirits of your friend and helping him to return to a positive state is normal.

It is important to keep in mind that there is a fine line between doing what you can to help your friend & loosing yourself in the process. Allowing yourself to fall into a relationship that you don't really desire just to make the other person happy, could be detrimental to your emotiomal state. It is important to consider
your feelings and desires as well.

Know that you can help your friend without getting into a serious relationship with him. I know that at first it will probably seem easier to just start dating, especially if you see that he is so much happier. However, if you are not truly happy dating him then you will end up causing him more pain in the end. It is so much better to be upfront, in a kind gentle way, then to possibly lead him on because you are afraid of hurting his feelings.

The more upfront you are in the beginning, the less difficult it will be in the days and months to come.

Be sure to let him know you are a true best friend and that his emotions and feeling are important to you, but friendship is all you are looking for right now.

This is not just about making it clear to him, but also about making it clear to yourself. If you don't set up your boundaries and expectations in advance it is easy to allow those feeling of 'wanting to do whatever it takes to make him happy' lead the way.

Having the hard, uncomfortable conversation now allows for smoother sailing as you go along this journey with him.

Also, remember that in the end it is not up to you whether he chooses to be happy. This is his choice to make. Although you can be there to offer help and guidance, it is not your responsibility to create that happiness for him. Only he can do that!
Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Taking Your Pain Out on Others Not OK

Q: My dad’s business isn't doing very well. We had to move *same school just a different house* I was so depressed that I started crying at school and I told the teacher what was going on. Even though I felt a bit better I am still depressed. I have been lying and hurting my friends’ feelings and I feel really bad about it. I never mean to do it but I feel the *depresson* thing is making me do hurtful things to others. What can I do to not be depressed and hurtful?

A: It is hard to accept changes in our lives, especially when we don't like the change and we have no choice in whether or not the changes happen. Life is constantly changing and we all experience it in different ways.

It is natural and okay to feel upset about the changes that you are experiencing, but to take that pain out on other people is not okay. Recognizing that you have been mistreating others and even yourself is the first step to changing that behaviour. When I look back at the times that I have done something or said something to someone that is hurtful or negative, they can all be traced back to a common reason - I was unhappy with myself or my life in some way.
Sometimes when we are hurting it is easy to be rude, short or mean to someone else, but that doesn't excuse hurtful behaviour.

Let's look at how we can move through painful changes to a place where we find happiness once again.

For those of you who read my columns faithfully you already know that I am a huge fan of journaling. I call it de-cluttering the mind. A journal is a safe place to express our thoughts.

Take your journal, notebook or paper and start writing. Even if your first few lines are 'I was told about writing in a journal but I don't know what to write about and I have nothing to say.' After you have written this a few times thoughts will start flowing.

Write out your feelings about:

· Your Dad's business not doing very well
· The move and what that means to you
· Mistreating your friends
· How you are feeling when you are depressed
· What situations are causing you to feel depressed

Be real with yourself. Allow yourself to be open and honest with yourself. Sometimes we may feel it is easier to ignore our emotions and push them away, but by feeling them, we give ourselves permission to release them.

Denying what we truly feel can eventually lead to depression and saying/doing hurtful things to others. Holding in your feelings just eats away at who we are and our ability to be happy.

After you have allowed yourself to feel your emotions, apologizing to your friends would be a great idea. It would feel good not only to them but you as well.

Apologizing can be hard. Sometimes we are afraid that we will be embarassed, but by feeling the fear and doing it anyway you will feel great knowing that you had the courage to admit you were wrong and that you are willing to be different from now on.

If you think it would be too hard or embarassing to talk to your friends face to face then write them a letter sharing your thoughts, feelings, apology and where you see the future of your friendship going.

Whether they except your apology or not isn't up to you, but knowing that you did whatever you could to make yourself, your life and friendship better- is a great feeling.

Maybe by going through this experience with your friends and by being open with them, it will help everyone create a stronger bond of friendship.

We all experience change but it is how we choose to handle it, move through it, embrace it that shapes how our lives play out.

‘So now I've changed my thoughts around. Tired of feeling down. Decided to make a new choice so now you’ll hear a strong voice. I am going to fly.’ - lyrics from my song ‘Used To’

For more information on depression please visit
www.mindyourmind.ca

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.