Sounds Like He Did You a Favour by Leaving

Q: There was this guy that I was dating. He told me that he would never hurt me or lie to me. Then he told me that he had made a HUGE mistake talking to me. He said that there was a different girl the whole time. I am soooo upset.

A:I know that it is very upsetting when circumstances like this happen, that we wish didn't.

It can be very frustrating when people don't act in a way that we think that they 'should'.
Unfortunately we are not in control of other people's actions, thoughts and choices, however, we are in control of our own! That is what I call our UPower - this is our own personal power to make empowering CHOICES in our lives regardless of the CIRCUMSTANCE.

I know that it's not always easy to see beyond the feelings of pain and hurt that you are experiencing right now, but these feelings don't have to last forever. Know that this sadness you feel right now will pass.

CHOOSE to allow yourself to feel your emotions. By truly feeling your emotions you can PUSH THROUGH this CIRCUMSTANCE and find happiness once again.

Ways to PUSH THROUGH:
· Cry
· Scream into a pillow
· Stay in your room and be sad for the dayA
· Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling (as long as you are not hurting anyone else by taking out your anger on them)
· Talk with a trusted friend
· And my personal favorite - Journaling

Journaling allows me to release my thoughts and feelings (decluttering of my brain). I journal a lot. It is a safe place to express myself. Plus, once I write the CIRCUMSTANCE and how I am feeling, it helps bring me clarity about the CHOICES I have in order toPUSH THROUGH.

The Good News is that you found out early in your relationship that he is not a person who values honesty. It sounds like he did you a favour. This doen't sound like a guy who wants a long, healthy, happy relationship.

Why would you want to be with someone who isn’t interested in treating you and others with respect?

Once again,I know that it isn’t a good feeling when a CIRCUMSTANCE like this happens but know that you can CHOOSE to come out the other side of this with more wisdom about yourself and your relationships.

When I was fourteen I wrote out all the qualities that I wanted in a relationship. I knew this would be a great help in helping me choose who I wanted to date when I was sixteen.

I'm going to call it: Relationship Journaling:

I wrote out everything that I wanted in a guy (ex:kind, generous, thoughtful, honest, understanding, fun etc)

Then I wrote out how I wanted our relationship to be (ex: We would enjoy doing activities together, we would allow each other their own time, we would communicate with each other and listen to each other and we would be a great team etc.)

Knowing what you want in a relationship brings you one step closer to getting what you want.

Believe that you are worthy and deserving of a great, honest and respectful relationship.

Feel your emotions. Write them out. Choose to Believe in You. Start thinking about what a Great relationship looks like for you!

‘I won’t lay down because of you. I will not hide from you. I know what I am made of and I will push through.’ - lyrics from my song ‘Push Through’

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Not Everyone Chooses to Be Trustworthy and Honest

Q: I have a friend and she has been mean to me so many times(about 10) and I always forgive her. One time I was on msn with her and she asked me who I liked. I asked her if anyone was in the room and she said "No" So I told her and when i asked who she likes she did not tell me. Right before she signed out she said that her friend was there the whole time. She lied to me about being alone. After 4-5 days I forgave her but ever since then she still does mean stuff to me. I was wondering if I should say something to her or just not say anything and go on with my life?

A: It is upsetting, frustrating and disappointing when we find out that a friend has lied to us, mistreated us or betrayed us.

When I was in middle school I told a friend in secret about a boy I liked. The next thing I knew she had told everyone about him. I felt betrayed and uncared for. 'Who can I trust if I can't trust my own friend?', I thought. Knowing that I had to see this friend everyday at school was hard.

It is important to create limits of what you will and will not accept in a friendship.

Here are some sugestions to help you create these limits:

SHARING YOUR FEELINGS
Share with your friend in person or in a letter how you are feeling and how you would like to have honesty and trust in your friendship. Using ‘I feel…….’ will have your friend feel that you are not placing blame and will make her less defensive and more open to listening to your concerns.
RELEASING EMOTIONS
If you are not comfortable letting your friend know your feelings, write a letter that you do not send. This is great way to say what you need to say. It will help you to release your thoughts and emotions on paper. Destroy the letter when you are ready.

MAKING CHOICES
· If you choose to talk or write to your friend about how you are feeling you may find that she is truly sorry and did not mean to hurt you or you may find that she is not interested in your feelings.
· If there are parts of your friendship you still enjoy (ex: going to the movies, laughing, playing sports, shopping) then I would suggest you do those things with her but realize that you can't trust her with personal information. Unfortunately, not everyone chooses to be trustworthy and honest.
· If, after forgiving your friend many times, she still chooses to be be mean and hurtful, then choosing not to be friends with her may be a good choice.
· If you decide to end the friendship it is important to be kind and respectful towards her.
In my experience choosing to surround myself with wonderful, supportive and honest friends has me feel loved, happy and strong. Great friends are there to encourage you, to help make this journey of life easier and of course to create more Fun in your life!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Lying Hurts Relationships

Q: I told my friend I would hang out with her. Then these really popular girls ask me to hang out with them. So I lied to her and said I forgot I had to go out with my parents. She found out and was really upset. I feel so bad that I did this. I want to apologize to her but I am scared. Any suggestions?

A: In the moment, your choice of lying to your friend in order to hang out with the 'popular group’ may have seemed like a good one. Now looking back you are realizing that this choice has caused pain for both you and your friend.

Living in the moment, but choosing to live in a way that you will be proud of for the moments to come, is so important!

People love to be accepted, especially by a group of people that are seen as 'cool'. Getting caught up in the status and image of others can became so strong that it’s easy to forget about honouring our commitments.

To help you make future choices, it’s important for you to figure out what your commitment is. Is it to status or to true, loyal friendships?
_________________________________________

I can see that you are upset about hurting your friend. So here are some suggestions on not only apologizing, but on rebuilding and maintaining friendships.

Empathy - Being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

· Imagine if the tables were turned - how would you feel?

Understanding that your choices may impact other people is important to remember. Choosing to be empathic before making your choices will have you become more conscious of how other people feel.

Apologizing - Saying sorry can be scary.

· I believe saying ‘sorry’ is important because it allows us to move forward. Often times people are afraid to say sorry because they are worried what the other person will think or how they will respond.
· Sometimes we are afraid to admit we are wrong because we worry about looking weak.
· It takes a lot of strength to say sorry and admit you ‘re wrong. It takes a lot of courage to take ownership of what you did.

When you say sorry you must remember that you are not in control of how your friend will respond. She may or may not accept your apology but you can be proud knowing that you apologized and took ownership of your actions.

Communicating - Talking about what happened is important.

· Having a conversation with your friend about what happened and allowing her to share her feelings will make a big difference for both of you.
· Sharing with her how you will do things differently is a good way to clear the air. Remember that a big part of communicating is listening, so listen to what your friend is sharing with you.

If you feel you are unable to have a conversation face to face, you may want to write a letter to her including your apology.

Rebuilding Trust - Your friend is hurt from what happened.

· Her pain is real and often times when people have been hurt they fear getting hurt again.
· Even though you may have learned your lesson from this experience and you have made a choice to never lie again, it’s up to your friend to recognize your decisions in her own time.
· Rebuilding trust takes time.

Choosing to act in a way that is grateful, trustworthy, empathic and respectful will take you far in both friendships and in life!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.