Don’t Allow Other People to Define Who You Are

Q: Some people at my school have begun to laugh at me and belittle me in person but even worse online. There is nowhere I can escape it. I need advice please!

A: Whether you are reading or hearing hurtful words, it is not a good feeling. It is also embarrassing to have posts written about you online. Lots of other people can see them and you may feel ashamed.

   Unfortunately, some people feel that it is okay to speak ill of someone just because they feel like it.

   I can remember when I went through times like these- it felt like the pain and frustration was going to last the rest of my life, but it won’t. It is not always easy to let go of the pain when someone is belittling you, but allow yourself to feel the upset and then choose to focus on who you know you are, that you are a great person.

   Don’t allow other people to define who you are. You define who you are. Choose to hang around people who encourage and uplift you- people who remind you of who you are when you forget.

   The Internet has so many good things to offer, but it can also bring many ‘not so nice’ situations. For example: Facebook is a wonderful tool to connect and stay in touch with friends and family, but it can also be a way to broadcast belittling and disrespectful thoughts.

   Below are some terrific suggestions if you are being bullied on the Internet (cyberbullying). This information has been copied from http://www.bewebaware.ca/english/cyberbullying.html

·        Guard your contact information. Don't give people you don't know your cell phone number, instant messaging name or e-mail address.

·        If you are being harassed online, take the following actions immediately:

Tell an adult you trust - a teacher, parent, older sibling or grandparent.

·        If you are being harassed, leave the area or stop the activity (i.e. chat room, news group, online gaming area, instant messaging, etc.).

·        If you are being bullied through e-mail or instant messaging, block the sender's messages.  Never reply to harassing messages.

·        Save any harassing messages [copy and paste them in a separate file] and forward them to your [Internet Email Provider (i.e. Sympatico, Rogers, Gmail etc.).] Most [email] providers have appropriate use policies that restrict users from harassing others over the Internet - and that includes kids!

·        If the bullying include [threats of any kind], tell the police.

   Choose to take a stand against cyberbullying with your peers. Speak out whenever you see someone online being mean or disrespectful to another person. Your peers may respond more positively to your criticism of their actions more than they would from adults.

   It can be hard when you feel like you are all alone in a situation, but know that you are not alone.

   There are many people that are going through a similar circumstance. When you feel as though it is becoming too much make sure you tell someone what is happening, and keep telling until you find someone who will take you seriously and help.

For more information about Cyberbullying - how to stop it and how to be aware of it - check out:

www.stopcyberbullying.org 

Until next time, 

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Taking a Stand for Respect

Q: When I stick up for someone, people say that I just want attention and they say some rude stuff. What do I do?

When I was in grade 7 there was a girl in my class who got made fun of everyday. Sometimes I would wonder how she came to school knowing that people were going to be cruel. I can remember walking home from school one day thinking, ‘I want to be someone who takes a stand for what I believe in. I want to take a Stand for Respect!’

When I made the choice to stand up for Respect I knew that meant taking a stand for the girl in my class who was getting made fun of or ignored everyday. I was nervous. I was worried about what others would think but I decided to 'feel the fear and do it anyway!' I put my new choice into action by saying 'hi' to her with a smile and by not talking about her in a disrespectful way. Two simple acts that are hard to do when everyone else is not doing the same.

There were people who turned on me by saying, 'What! Are you two best friends now? Sara you're too nice!' and I could tell by the tone in their voice that they didn't mean those words as a compliment. I knew I could not change how they acted but I could definitely choose my actions and opinions.

It’s hard to take a stand especially when no one else is there to support you. There is a saying that says 'It’s easy to stand with a crowd and hard to stand on your own.' It’s not always easy, but it is Possible to take a Stand for Respect regardless of what others think! I knew I needed to take a stand for what I believed was right.

A few months later I received a note from that young lady in my class.

Dear Sara,
You are the best out of the gang. You don't make fun of me. Why? I really like you. I want to be friends with the other ones but they don't want to be friends with me. I guess what I am trying to say is Thank You for not making fun of me!

Although it was hard to stand alone, it felt good knowing that I was doing what I believed was Right and Respectful. Today as I look back to grade 7 I am so happy I chose to take a stand. I have moved many times and I am now 29 and that note still means a lot to me. How we choose to treat ourselves and others can have lasting effects.

Choose not to allow what others think to determine what you Believe about you! Keep taking a stand for Respect for yourself and for others! The more you do it the easier it will become.

Remember - people have their opinions, but those opinions don’t mean anything until you say they do!! You have the final say in what you choose to believe about yourself and the world.

‘Act in the moment but choose to act in a way you will be proud of for the moments to come' - that's using your UPower.

Until next time...


This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

    P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help,

one of the best UPower choices you can make is to

Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors,

friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

The Choices You Make are Always in Your Control

Q: There is so much drama with my friends and it is only the beginning of grade 7. I have noticed they are mean and backstabbing. Can the upset of the beginning of the year lead to a bad rest of the year?

A: Just because something happens at the beginning of your day, the beginning of your week or the beginning of your year, don't choose to allow it to ruin all the other wonderful possibilities that will come your way.

Some of my most challenging times were around your age. A few of my friends created a lot of drama which was upsetting and frustrating.

The good news is I learned how I wanted to act and how I didn’t want to act.

I remember one time in particular. I was in the school washroom and when I came out I heard my 'best friend' talking about me to one of our other friends. I was very upset and confused.
I had a choice to make. I could either let the upset hold me down or choose to learn from it.

Not only did I learn who my true friends were, I also learned that I didn't want to be a person who gossiped.

In order to help me not gossip, I came up with this: whenever I was about to say or do anything I would ask myself ‘Is what I am about to say or do going to make a difference for me or anyone else in a positive way?’

If the answer was ‘NO’ then I would ‘bite my tongue’ and walk away.

People and life will test you. I know it can be hard, frustrating and upsetting. We all face difficult situations throughout our lives, but we all have the power to choose our reaction to what is happening.

How we choose to react is very important because it can either lead to positive personal growth or take us on a less desirable path like bitterness and anger.

The CIRCUMSTANCE may be out of your control but your CHOICES, even though you may not like them, are ALWAYS in your control. This is your UPower.


Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Not Everyone Chooses to Be Trustworthy and Honest

Q: I have a friend and she has been mean to me so many times(about 10) and I always forgive her. One time I was on msn with her and she asked me who I liked. I asked her if anyone was in the room and she said "No" So I told her and when i asked who she likes she did not tell me. Right before she signed out she said that her friend was there the whole time. She lied to me about being alone. After 4-5 days I forgave her but ever since then she still does mean stuff to me. I was wondering if I should say something to her or just not say anything and go on with my life?

A: It is upsetting, frustrating and disappointing when we find out that a friend has lied to us, mistreated us or betrayed us.

When I was in middle school I told a friend in secret about a boy I liked. The next thing I knew she had told everyone about him. I felt betrayed and uncared for. 'Who can I trust if I can't trust my own friend?', I thought. Knowing that I had to see this friend everyday at school was hard.

It is important to create limits of what you will and will not accept in a friendship.

Here are some sugestions to help you create these limits:

SHARING YOUR FEELINGS
Share with your friend in person or in a letter how you are feeling and how you would like to have honesty and trust in your friendship. Using ‘I feel…….’ will have your friend feel that you are not placing blame and will make her less defensive and more open to listening to your concerns.
RELEASING EMOTIONS
If you are not comfortable letting your friend know your feelings, write a letter that you do not send. This is great way to say what you need to say. It will help you to release your thoughts and emotions on paper. Destroy the letter when you are ready.

MAKING CHOICES
· If you choose to talk or write to your friend about how you are feeling you may find that she is truly sorry and did not mean to hurt you or you may find that she is not interested in your feelings.
· If there are parts of your friendship you still enjoy (ex: going to the movies, laughing, playing sports, shopping) then I would suggest you do those things with her but realize that you can't trust her with personal information. Unfortunately, not everyone chooses to be trustworthy and honest.
· If, after forgiving your friend many times, she still chooses to be be mean and hurtful, then choosing not to be friends with her may be a good choice.
· If you decide to end the friendship it is important to be kind and respectful towards her.
In my experience choosing to surround myself with wonderful, supportive and honest friends has me feel loved, happy and strong. Great friends are there to encourage you, to help make this journey of life easier and of course to create more Fun in your life!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Other People’s Choices are not in Our Control

Q: My dad choice alcohol over us. I really miss him and want to see him but I can't because he lives so far away. What can I do?

A: It is very upsetting and frustrating when someone makes a choice that we don't agree with.

My dad also made choices that I didn't like or agree with. He made a decision to leave without saying goodbye and without talking to me about why he was leaving.

Unfortunately, I allowed the pain I felt from his choice, to eat away at me and my happiness.
I began thinking that his leaving meant that I was unlovable and unacceptable as a person. I thought if he really cared about me he wouldn't have made the choice to leave without communicating what was going on.

After awhile I began to realize that neither my dad’s choices nor the choices of others were in my control. I started to realize that I was a great person, that there was nothing wrong with me. We can’t make anyone do or be how we think that they SHOULD be. As much as we may see their 'potential' - if they don't see it- then that potential becomes wasted.

A few years after my Dad had moved out, I had the opportunity to ask him why he left without saying anything. He said, 'I thought it would be easier on you.'

I didn’t agree that it was easier on me, but since I wasn’t the one that was in control of his choice(s), all I could do was accept his decision and learn from it.

Sometimes we learn from people how we want to be and sometimes we learn how we don't want to be. From my dad I learned how much pain not communicating thoughts and feelings causes. From this pain I chose to learn to communicate openly with people.

Here are some suggestions that may make a difference for you:

*Write a letter to your dad expressing your feelings in a way that doesn’t make him bad and wrong because that will only cause him to become defensive. Use the words 'I feel...' and talk about you and your emotions. Even if you choose not to send it, it feels great to release the thoughts and emotions. You can write it and tear it up if you want.
*Since your Dad is an alcoholic I would suggest going to Alateen. It is a support group for teenagers that are affected by someone who is an alcoholic. I started going when I was 13. At first I didn't want to go, but looking back I am so glad that my mum insisted I go. It turned out to be a place where I could openly share and listen to other people my age that were going through something similar. It helps to know you are not alone.
*Set up times where you and your Dad can have conversations over the phone. You can both share about your day, your interests etc. You can keep the conversations light and simple. I know for me this worked bestfor my dad and I.

*If you feel comfortable, discuss your feelings with your mom, or someone close to you that you trust and respect. Sharing allows us to release emotions that build up inside.

I know it is painful, but you don't have to live in that pain forever. Feel it. Write it out. Share it. Choose to learn from his mistakes. Take the lessons learned, not the pain, into your future.

Know that your Dad loves you, even though you feel he has made poor choices. He just doesn't know how to love you the way that you want to be loved. Like my dad he may believe that by leaving he is sparing you pain.

http://www.al-anon.ab.ca/alateen/alateen.html
Alateen is a fellowship of young Al-Anon members, usually teenagers, whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

It Seems Like My Hurt Will Last Forever

Q: I’m feeling low right now because the person that I really like is now with one of my friends. It is hard to watch them laughing and having a good time together when all I can think about is 'I wish that was me’. What can I do to get over this feeling of hurt?

A: Let me share a time when I felt hurt in high school. The bell had rung and the hallways were crowded with people trying to get to their lockers. I was standing in an area of the hall that most of my friends occuppied during our school breaks.

We were all chatting when I spotted the boy that I thought was not only cute, but that I could picture myself dating.

He stood across the hall talking with another group of people who were also my friends. I can remember watching him out of the corner of my eye, daydreaming about the fun we would have together. My dream came crashing to a sudden halt when I overheard him asking one of my older friends 'out'.

My friend said 'Yes' and I felt my heart sink.
’What?' I thought.
‘This is not how I expected this to go. Can this really be happening?’

I watched them talking and laughing as they walked away together.

I was so upset that I was wondering how I was going to carry on not only with my day but the rest of my life.At that moment it seemed as though the hurt and upset would last forever.


Now I look back and know that it was just a moment in my life - not my entire life.

We have all have felt the pain of having something happen that we did not expect or want. It is definitely not a good feeling to have our expectations of what 'should' happen, be crushed.

‘I won’t lay down because of you. I will not hide from you. I know what I am made of and I will push through.’ - lyrics from my song ‘Push Through’

Allow yourself to feel the hurt and upset that you are experiencing. Only in this way can you truly embrace your emotions. Here are a few constructive ways that have helped me to release and move through the pain of my emotions.
· Crying, screaming into a pillow.
· Writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal
· Sharing with a trusted friend.

After you have allowed yourself to feel your emotions, choose to pick yourself up and start focusing on the great things about you and your life. It is easy to focus on all the negative things that have happened to us, but choosing to change that focus to the positive allows us to feel happiness once again.

We all experience disappointment, loss and hurt but it is how we choose to move through it and what we choose to learn from it, that will determine who we become and how our life looks.
Allow this experience to have you see that there is life after hurt and pain. Keep focusing on the wonderful parts of your life and keep Creating more of that!

Choose to Push Through. Choose to be on your team!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Afraid to Talk to My Dad about His Cancer

Q: Sara, I found out my mom has breast cancer. I am so afraid she is going to die. I can hardly concentrate on anything. I cry myself to sleep at night. My mom does not know any of this. I need your help please.

A: I am so sorry to hear that your mom has breast cancer. It must be a very sad and confusing time for you right now. I understand that. When I found out that my dad had cancer everything changed for me.

I can remember staring blankly out the window with lots of thoughts racing through my mind. Things that had once seemed important to me now seemed petty compared to my dad’s health. My mind was consumed with uncertainty.

I found it very hard to accept that my Dad having cancer was something that I couldn't fix or change. Helplessness filled my thoughts and hope became my best friend. It is amazing how life can throw us a curve ball when we least expect it.

At first I was afraid to talk to my dad about his cancer. The word cancer meant so many scary things to me.

Finally, while sitting on the couch, I looked at him and said through my tears “I don't want you to die!”
He looked at me and responded with, “We’ve had lots of great years together- more than some people.”
I was a bit angered by his response because I wanted lots more time together. What we had didn’t seem like enough.

Since I couldn’t control how much time we had, I decided to start focusing on creating more memories instead of focusing on my fear of cancer taking him away from me.

Sometimes we take people for granted, but when we suddenly realize that they may be gone, appreciation comes back in full force! It took hearing the word ‘cancer’ to remind me of how important it is to appreciate one another.

My sister and I took every opportunity to be with our dad. Whether it was to make a meal, go out for a drive or just be with him - it was very important to us. Time with him mattered even more than it had in the past.

Communication is very important. Talking with your mom about how you feel and listen to how she is feeling would be very healing for both of you.

I also find that keeping a journal is a great way to release bottled up thoughts and emotions. It has always helped clear my mind.

With everyone in your life, remember to appreciate and acknowledge what they mean to you because you never know when circumstances can change.

Creating great memories doesn’t take forever but they do last forever.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

True Friends Think You are Cool Just the Way You Are

Q: I am going through a really tough time in my life right now. I skipped a few grades and so life was hard moving in with older kids. I thought I had made a few close girlfriends, that is until they began trying to force me into situations with boys or drinking, or partying. I did stand up for myself and told them I wasn’t comfortable with the things they do. Now they are pressuring me even more to be cool like they say they are.

A: First I want to say ‘way to go!’ It is hard at times to stand up for yourself, especially when you are trying to make new friends and desperately want to fit in and be accepted. It takes strength and courage to believe in yourself and to stay true to who you are. Setting up boundaries of what you will and won’t do is very important.

In high school, I had the strictest mom out of all of my friends. Before allowing me to go to a party, my mom would phone my friend’s parents to make sure there would be no drinking and that they would be home. Instead of focusing on how embarrassing and upsetting this was, I started to focus on my dream of singing as a career.

When all of my friends were at a party on a Friday night, I was performing or practicing.

Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. Not only did my mom’s strict rules help push me to focus on my passion in life, but it also helped show me who my true friends were. They may have wanted me to go to the parties with them, but they accepted that I wouldn’t be going and didn’t make a big deal about it.

It is not always easy to let go of the pain when someone has left you out or belittled you. Allow yourself to feel upset but choose to focus on what you have learned from the circumstance. Carry that with you instead of the pain and hurt you may feel right now.

We may not always have control over the circumstance (what happens to us/what others think of us) but we always have control over our reaction to it and perception of it.

For example: If someone says to you ‘you aren’t cool ‘cause you don’t drink!’

Here are some examples of what you could choose to have it mean:
Choice A:
· I guess I am not good enough
· They don’t like me, so no one will

Choice B:
· They are not true friends, I am glad I found out now
· I feel bad for them that all of their fun revolves around partying and drinking

Choosing choice A will only leave you feeling upset & powerless. It will eat away at your self-worth.

Choosing choice B will allow you to believe in yourself and to push yourself forward to find caring, supportive friends.

‘I won’t lay down because of you. I will not hide from you. I know what I am made of
and I will push through.’ – lyrics from my song ‘Push Through’

Depending on what choices you choose to make in your life, it can either lead to learning wonderful lessons and a great life or the exact opposite. The choice is yours.


Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

When Times Get Tough Tell Someone You Trust

Q: Sometimes I see kids at my school doing things they shouldn't. I want to tell a teacher but I don't want to be known as a tattle tale by the other kids. I know the right thing to do is to get help but sometimes even the teachers say not to tattle, what should I do?

 

A: I can remember thinking something very similar to this when I was in elementary school. On the one hand you are told to tell someone if there is something going on that is not acceptable, then on the other hand you are told not to tattle - it can be very confusing.

It is hard to be labelled a ‘tattle tale’ especially when you believe what you are telling is important and will make a difference.

At times we have all been called names and although it can be hurtful and upsetting, at the end of the day it is up to us to choose to decide whether or not we will believe it and allow it to upset us. Personally, I’d rather be called a tattle tale then be known as someone who never stands up for what is right.
To me, tattling and telling are very different. I define ‘tattling’ as ‘to let out a secret, to chatter, or to gossip’ and ‘telling’ as ‘informing another of a situation causing emotional or physical hurt to yourself or others’.

The tough thing is to decide whether you would be tattling or telling on someone. To help you decide which one it is, here is a question you can ask yourself: “Am I or is someone else being emotionally or physically hurt by this situation?” If your answer is ‘yes’, then I would definitely consider this ‘telling’. If the answer is ‘no’ then I would consider it ‘tattling’


When something is happening to you or you see something happening to someone else that you believe is not appropriate or respectful, it is up to you to choose what you are going to do about it.
Here are some things that you can do:
· If you feel that you can and that it is safe, talk to the person that is involved in the situation or write them a letter. By communicating to them how you feel, it could help solve the issues
· Talking to a friend(s) - I often talked to my friends and together we came up with solutions.
· Tell a teacher, and if your teacher doesn’t listen…
· Tell your principal, your parents, a school counsellor or…. someone else that you trust
· If you are afraid to talk to someone, write a letter stating your concerns and what is happening and give it to the person you trust will listen.

*If you feel that no one is listening and the situation is getting worse, it is extremely important to keep telling people until you find someone who will listen, who will take you seriously and who will help.
Remembering to let other people help you out when you are in a situation that you feel you cannot handle by yourself is very important. So when times get tough tell someone you trust.

I know that it can be a hard situation to be in and sometimes it feels scary to tell someone what is happening, but remember that your emotional & physical safety is extremely important.
‘And you were just waiting to pick me apart But I won’t lay down because of you, I will not hide from you. I know what I am made of and I will push through.’ lyrics from my song ‘Push Through’

If you are confronted with a really confusing and hard situation, in Canada you can call Kids Help Phone toll free at 1-800-668-6868 or visit them online at www.kidshelpphone.ca.

We all need help and support sometimes.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

It is Easy to Get Caught up in the Negative.

Q: This year my life has been rough. I broke my foot in 3 spots and now there is a good chance I will be having surgery. I am a competitive figure skater so all of this year I couldn’t skate. How should I deal with this?

A: I am sorry to hear about your injury. I will share with you how I move through tough times. But first you will need to get out your journal or a piece of paper.

First, I like to take what is happening in my life and put it in two categories: circumstance (what happens) and choice (what we can do to move through it).

For example:
The circumstance is - you broke your foot, you may need surgery and right now you can’t skate.

The Choices are: A) Be upset/angry
B) Give up on your love of skating
C) Be patient- allowing yourself to heal and keep imagining your body strong and healthy. (You can come up with other choices, these are just examples.)

We may not like our choices but we always have them.

At first we usually pick choice A and that’s okay for a short time - long term that choice will only hold you back from moving forward.

Although this situation is sad and frustrating for you, the only way to move through this experience and become stronger is to focus on your healing and find the gifts.

'Gifts?’ you say. ‘How can I possibly find anything good out of this terrible circumstance?'

I know, at first it seems impossible, but there are always gifts if we look hard enough.

This is the second part of my process that I call 'Finding the Gifts'.

For example:
· Maybe since it happened you have had more time to spend with family
· Maybe your family has shown you a lot of love and compassion since your injury.
· Maybe you have found other activities that you enjoy.

Take time, look hard and write down all the gifts you have received from this circumstance.

I know it is easy to get caught up in the negative. Choose to focus on the positive. When you change your focus, you change your world!

We can't always choose the circumstance but we can always choose our reaction.

‘I know what I am made of and I will push through.’ lyrics from my song ‘Push Through’

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.