Other People’s Choices are not in Our Control

Q: My dad choice alcohol over us. I really miss him and want to see him but I can't because he lives so far away. What can I do?

A: It is very upsetting and frustrating when someone makes a choice that we don't agree with.

My dad also made choices that I didn't like or agree with. He made a decision to leave without saying goodbye and without talking to me about why he was leaving.

Unfortunately, I allowed the pain I felt from his choice, to eat away at me and my happiness.
I began thinking that his leaving meant that I was unlovable and unacceptable as a person. I thought if he really cared about me he wouldn't have made the choice to leave without communicating what was going on.

After awhile I began to realize that neither my dad’s choices nor the choices of others were in my control. I started to realize that I was a great person, that there was nothing wrong with me. We can’t make anyone do or be how we think that they SHOULD be. As much as we may see their 'potential' - if they don't see it- then that potential becomes wasted.

A few years after my Dad had moved out, I had the opportunity to ask him why he left without saying anything. He said, 'I thought it would be easier on you.'

I didn’t agree that it was easier on me, but since I wasn’t the one that was in control of his choice(s), all I could do was accept his decision and learn from it.

Sometimes we learn from people how we want to be and sometimes we learn how we don't want to be. From my dad I learned how much pain not communicating thoughts and feelings causes. From this pain I chose to learn to communicate openly with people.

Here are some suggestions that may make a difference for you:

*Write a letter to your dad expressing your feelings in a way that doesn’t make him bad and wrong because that will only cause him to become defensive. Use the words 'I feel...' and talk about you and your emotions. Even if you choose not to send it, it feels great to release the thoughts and emotions. You can write it and tear it up if you want.
*Since your Dad is an alcoholic I would suggest going to Alateen. It is a support group for teenagers that are affected by someone who is an alcoholic. I started going when I was 13. At first I didn't want to go, but looking back I am so glad that my mum insisted I go. It turned out to be a place where I could openly share and listen to other people my age that were going through something similar. It helps to know you are not alone.
*Set up times where you and your Dad can have conversations over the phone. You can both share about your day, your interests etc. You can keep the conversations light and simple. I know for me this worked bestfor my dad and I.

*If you feel comfortable, discuss your feelings with your mom, or someone close to you that you trust and respect. Sharing allows us to release emotions that build up inside.

I know it is painful, but you don't have to live in that pain forever. Feel it. Write it out. Share it. Choose to learn from his mistakes. Take the lessons learned, not the pain, into your future.

Know that your Dad loves you, even though you feel he has made poor choices. He just doesn't know how to love you the way that you want to be loved. Like my dad he may believe that by leaving he is sparing you pain.

http://www.al-anon.ab.ca/alateen/alateen.html
Alateen is a fellowship of young Al-Anon members, usually teenagers, whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Allow Yourself to Feel Upset, But Choose not to Stay There

Q: My mom and dad have been separated for a long time and honestly I like it that way but now they are thinking about getting back together. I think my mom is happier without him in our house. How can I get her to see that she shouldn’t take him back?

A: When you say that you feel as though your parents are better apart, I can totally understand, because I felt the same way about my parents.

I loved it when my parents were together and getting along but when they started to fight and argue more often than having loving or even just civil conversations, I didn't think that their being together was good for anyone. They didn't bring out the best in each other.

It sounds like you are now used to your parents being apart and maybe you see a happier, different side to them now they are not together.

I am a huge fan of communication. Sit down with your mom and share your thoughts and feelings in a loving way. Even if she doesn't agree, it would be beneficial to communicate how you feel and she can do the same.

If you don't feel you are up to talking face to face - write a letter.
After speaking or writing to your mom perhaps you would now feel comfortable talking to your mom and dad together. This would be a good way to allow everyone to communicate how they feel and to figure out what kind of changes everyone would like to see.

In the end, the final choice, of getting back together, is up to your mom and dad. By choosing to share your feelings you may find that you will feel a lot better about whatever choice is made.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Anger Takes Up Way Too Much Energy

Q: Five years ago my Dad left my Mom. I am tired of feeling angry with him. Can you help?
A: Five years is a long time to hold onto anger, although some people can hold on to it for their entire lives. But in the end all that is gained is bitterness and hatred.

For me, hanging onto anger takes up way too much energy- energy that is better spent focusing on my dreams and becoming the best person I can be. More often then not, we hold onto anger because we want to punish the person that has 'done wrong'. But in the end it is ourselves we are punishing because we become consumed with fruatration and anger. It becomes a part of our thinking and spills over into so many other aspects of our life.

I know this because I spent many years being angry at my dad’s lifestyle. I tried to get my Dad to change. I wanted him to act in a way that I thought he should. I soon figured out that I could neither change him nor make choices for him. But the good news is - we can change ourselves, our views and our opinions.

I decided that a relationship with my dad was inportant to me, so I had some choices to make and some actions to take in order to help create that relationship.

First I realized I needed to forgive him for his choices.
'Forgiveness is the key to the bars that imprison me' - lyric from my song ‘Hearts Collide’

Forgiveness is very important - it will set you free from so much pain. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are saying what the person did was right. You are just saying that you are no longer willing to carry around the pain and anger. It takes up too much space.

I know that it may be hard to forgive your Dad and you may feel as though you are betraying your Mom if you do forgive him, but again remember that forgiveness doesn't mean that you are saying what happened is okay.

The choice I made was deciding to change how I saw him. Instead of focusing on the things that drove me crazy I decided to look for what I enjoyed about my Dad. One thing I loved was his humour. He could always make me laugh.

When I chose to change my focus, I changed our relationship. Not because he changed, but because I did. I stopped expecting him to be someone that he wasn’t. I chose to accept him for who he was which lead to a much happier, healthier relationship.

It was interesting for me to see that by forgiving my dad and by focusing on the things I did enjoy about him, my attitude towards him and others became much more positive.

When we choose to change our focus we change our world!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

A Great Relationship isn’t Found – It’s Created

Q:My mom and I argue a lot. When you were at our school I noticed that you & your mom seemed to have a great relationship. I would like to have a great relationship with my mom. How do I do that?

A:My mum and I are friends and business partners. We are committed to listening and communicating with one another, but it wasn’t always this way.

When I was growing up, although I could go to my mum and talk about things that were happening in my life, I wouldn’t have called her ‘a friend’. My mum used to always say, ‘You have enough friends. What you need is a parent.’

She wanted me to know that when she said something, made a rule or a consequence - it was for my own good. She would follow through with it. If my mum had decided to be my friend instead of a parent, I think I could have talked my way out of a lot of situations.

Growing up, my mum was strict. I shed many tears over not being allowed to go somewhere or do something that all of my friends were allowed to do. I can remember thinking ‘I will never be so strict when I am a parent!’

Now I am grateful that she raised me the way that she did. Of course, it was hard to see the benefits of her tough rules at the time, but now looking back I can see that it really gave me a push and loads of time to focus on what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be in the world.

My mum may not have been supportive of me doing whatever I wanted to with my friends, but she was very supportive and encouraging of my dream to be a singer.

Now, that I’m not a teenager anymore, my mum and I have created a great friendship. That doesn’t mean that we don’t disagree sometimes, but we never allow the disagreements to affect our relationship in a negative way. We choose to listen, learn, grow and move forward.

We accept each other and admire our differences.

The best tools I have learned in order to create great relationships are to communicate and to truly listen.

Everybody is so different, yet very much the same. We all want to be heard and loved - that is universal. But the way in which we want these two things to happen can be very different.

This is where communication plays a huge role. The only way to really know what each of us expects from one another is to talk about it. I know that in any relationship, not just one with a parent, it is easy to have expectations of ‘what it should look like in order to be great.’ But since we are all different, our expectations for one another will not always be the same.

In relationships, I believe that it is easy for misunderstandings to occur because a lot of the time we assume that people should understand us. I often hear, ‘It is common sense!’ I don’t really think there is such a thing because we all have different life experiences that help make our thinking unique.

For example:
· If I believe that a great friendship should consist of talking on the phone each night and sharing about our day’s events
· and my friend Kristy believes that talking twice a week is all that is needed in order to feel a strong connection to each other, then our expectations are very different.

If we don’t talk about our expectations - here is how it could play out:
· I would call Kristy everyday.Eventually I may stop because I may not always like to be the one initiating the calling.
· Since Kristy only finds it important to talk a couple of times a week she may not think anything of the reduced number of phone conversations.
· This would probably lead me to feeling not cared about and hurt. Meanwhile Kristy never intended for me to feel that way. She just doesn’t find it necessary to talk on the phone as much as I do.

Talking about our expectations and coming up with a plan that works for the relationship is the key to creating a lasting, healthy bond.

This goes for all relationships whether it is with a parent, or friend. What does a great relationship look like for you? You may be surprised with some of your own answers.

Without open communication, misunderstandings can lead to disappointment and upset.

The next part is listening. Great communication isn’t just about sharing all your thoughts and opinions. It is very much about listening to others. To truly understand someone we have to listen and actually hear what they are feeling and saying. Being open to another person’s thoughts and feelings is essential to creating a healthy relationship that you can both benefit from.

When open communication is created and true listening occurs, a great fulfilling relationship is bound to be born. Even when you don't see 'eye to eye' or when you run into bumps along the ‘relationship road’ you will have the tools to move through them.

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Frustrated I was Not Allowed to Date

Q: I am 14 yrs old and my parents think I’m too young to date. What do you think is a good age to start dating?

A:I know the feeling of ‘not being allowed to date’.

I was not allowed to date until I was sixteen. However, my mom did allow me to go to movies and dinners in a group that included boys & girls.

At first I did not understand her reasoning. I thought I was mature enough to be alone with a boy, but my mom would always say that she didn’t want to set me up by putting me in a situation that I may not be able handle.

I met my husband, George, when I was 15 yrs old. It was hard and frustrating, not to mention embarrassing, that I wasn’t allowed to date. I was worried what he would think and what my friends would say. The amazing thing that I learned from this was how much George respected me and my rules.

He didn’t agree with them - he just respected them.

When I look back I realize that sixteen was a good age to start dating. Up to that point I concentrated on my singing, art, school and friends.

You’ll have lots of time to date when you turn sixteen. For now have fun and enjoy you!

Until next time,

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'