You are not Responsible for Other People’s Happiness

Q:I have a really sad friend. I’ve known him for a long time and it seems like everything is going wrong in his life right now. I’m trying really hard to get him to see the positives and not to focus on the negatives. It’s just hard when he is so sad. He always tells me how happy he is when he’s with me or talking to me. I’m trying my best to be his friend but I feel he wants to date. I want to make him happy but do not want to date him. What should I do?

A: Seeing someone hurting that you care about, is hard. We want to fix the problem and make the pain go away. Wanting to lift the spirits of your friend and helping him to return to a positive state is normal.

It is important to keep in mind that there is a fine line between doing what you can to help your friend & loosing yourself in the process. Allowing yourself to fall into a relationship that you don't really desire just to make the other person happy, could be detrimental to your emotiomal state. It is important to consider
your feelings and desires as well.

Know that you can help your friend without getting into a serious relationship with him. I know that at first it will probably seem easier to just start dating, especially if you see that he is so much happier. However, if you are not truly happy dating him then you will end up causing him more pain in the end. It is so much better to be upfront, in a kind gentle way, then to possibly lead him on because you are afraid of hurting his feelings.

The more upfront you are in the beginning, the less difficult it will be in the days and months to come.

Be sure to let him know you are a true best friend and that his emotions and feeling are important to you, but friendship is all you are looking for right now.

This is not just about making it clear to him, but also about making it clear to yourself. If you don't set up your boundaries and expectations in advance it is easy to allow those feeling of 'wanting to do whatever it takes to make him happy' lead the way.

Having the hard, uncomfortable conversation now allows for smoother sailing as you go along this journey with him.

Also, remember that in the end it is not up to you whether he chooses to be happy. This is his choice to make. Although you can be there to offer help and guidance, it is not your responsibility to create that happiness for him. Only he can do that!
Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.