It’s Always Possible to Take a Stand Against Disrespect

Q: On my bus I sit with my friend who is very opinionated. There's another girl on the bus that my friend really doesn't like. My friend is not the type of person to keep things to herself and she often comments about the girl or wrinkles her nose when the girl is not looking. I don't like the girl either but I feel bad about how my friend treats her. I often nod my head in agreement to my friend’s comments not because I want to hurt the other girl but because I want my friend to like me. I call her my friend but we aren't as close as I wish we were. I find myself trying to fit in with her. What should I say next time my friend says a comment about that girl? I want to stop talking about her in negative ways.

A: Thank you for your openness. I believe that the circumstance you are describing is one that we can all relate to. It’s so easy to get caught up with disrespectful behaviour, especially when we are trying to 'fit in' and be liked.

It’s interesting how people will disrespect someone, or go along with disrespectful behaviour, in order to gain respect from someone else. It’s easy to say that you will stand up against disrespect but to actually do it, takes a lot of courage and commitment.

When I look back on times that I didn't speak up against disrespect I realize that:

· I worried about what my friends would think of me if I said something.

· I wanted to be liked and to fit in.

· It seemed easier to go along with it.

Taking an action that you think may cause you to be left out, to be made fun of or to be embarrassed by, is something we all try to avoid.

Here's a question you may want to ask yourself:

'Am I being true to yourself by choosing not to say or do anything about the disrespectful behaviour?'

Since you messaged me about your upset around this circumstance I would say the answer is ‘No, you are not being true to who you believe you are.’ I can always tell when I’m not being true to myself when the little nagging voice inside my head is saying, ‘Why did you do that? Why didn’t you say something?’ causing me to feel guilt and regret for my actions.

In order to help you make a choice that will allow you to stay true to who you are it's important to think about what you want your END RESULT to be for you.

For example:
#1 - End Result - to always try to be liked by everyone at all costs

#2 - End Result - to be a respectful person to myself and others

Picture two people in the same circumstance that you have shared with me. One person has End Result #1 and the other has End Result #2. Do you think that they would make the same choice even though they are in the same circumstance? No, their choices would be very different!

The person with End Result #1 would choose not take a stand:

• They would be so worried about fitting in and being liked.
• They wouldn't have the courage to step out on their own and be true to themselves. It would be way too scary.

The person with End Result #2 would choose to take a stand by:

• Sharing with their friend why they don't enjoy talking about someone else
• Deciding there are more important things to talk about and change the conversation to another topic.
• Sitting with someone else on the bus instead of that friend

It’s not always easy to take a stand, especially when you know that you may not have the support that you want. But it’s always possible to stand up for what you believe.Taking a stand for RESPECT doesn't have to be an extraordinary act. It could be something as simple as not talking about people in a disrespectful way and choosing not to get involved in conversations that are disrespectful to others.

Take a Stand for the type of person you want to be. Decide what you want your End Result to be for you. This will give you the focus and direction that you need in order to take life One Good Choice at a Time!! ;)

Until next time...
This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.
Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Don’t Allow Other People to Define Who You Are

Q: Some people at my school have begun to laugh at me and belittle me in person but even worse online. There is nowhere I can escape it. I need advice please!

A: Whether you are reading or hearing hurtful words, it is not a good feeling. It is also embarrassing to have posts written about you online. Lots of other people can see them and you may feel ashamed.

   Unfortunately, some people feel that it is okay to speak ill of someone just because they feel like it.

   I can remember when I went through times like these- it felt like the pain and frustration was going to last the rest of my life, but it won’t. It is not always easy to let go of the pain when someone is belittling you, but allow yourself to feel the upset and then choose to focus on who you know you are, that you are a great person.

   Don’t allow other people to define who you are. You define who you are. Choose to hang around people who encourage and uplift you- people who remind you of who you are when you forget.

   The Internet has so many good things to offer, but it can also bring many ‘not so nice’ situations. For example: Facebook is a wonderful tool to connect and stay in touch with friends and family, but it can also be a way to broadcast belittling and disrespectful thoughts.

   Below are some terrific suggestions if you are being bullied on the Internet (cyberbullying). This information has been copied from http://www.bewebaware.ca/english/cyberbullying.html

·        Guard your contact information. Don't give people you don't know your cell phone number, instant messaging name or e-mail address.

·        If you are being harassed online, take the following actions immediately:

Tell an adult you trust - a teacher, parent, older sibling or grandparent.

·        If you are being harassed, leave the area or stop the activity (i.e. chat room, news group, online gaming area, instant messaging, etc.).

·        If you are being bullied through e-mail or instant messaging, block the sender's messages.  Never reply to harassing messages.

·        Save any harassing messages [copy and paste them in a separate file] and forward them to your [Internet Email Provider (i.e. Sympatico, Rogers, Gmail etc.).] Most [email] providers have appropriate use policies that restrict users from harassing others over the Internet - and that includes kids!

·        If the bullying include [threats of any kind], tell the police.

   Choose to take a stand against cyberbullying with your peers. Speak out whenever you see someone online being mean or disrespectful to another person. Your peers may respond more positively to your criticism of their actions more than they would from adults.

   It can be hard when you feel like you are all alone in a situation, but know that you are not alone.

   There are many people that are going through a similar circumstance. When you feel as though it is becoming too much make sure you tell someone what is happening, and keep telling until you find someone who will take you seriously and help.

For more information about Cyberbullying - how to stop it and how to be aware of it - check out:

www.stopcyberbullying.org 

Until next time, 

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

Stand Up for Your Unique Self

Q: Hey Sara, your performance at the cinema was amazing but I have a question...how do you do your own thing even when your friends are going to do something you know you shouldn't or they are not doing something that you want to? For example: at your UPower concert when you asked us to wave our arms to your song I felt like I shouldn't cuz my friends weren’t and I was also worried that I was going to get made fun of.

A: Sometimes worrying about what other people will think holds us back from behaving in a manner that is not appropriate or in a way that could be harmful. So in SOME cases allowing the opinions of others to influence you is a good thing.

However, there are many times when people worry so much about what others think of them, that they don't allow themselves the freedom to be who they truly are. Instead they hide their talents, their abilities and their personality in order to fit in!

It’s easy to allow your mind to create ’what if’s’ about situations and to worry about what others may think.

For example:

·        ‘What if I wave my hands in the air and everyone thinks I look ridiculous?'

·        ‘What if I wear my new outfit to school and people don't like it?’

·        ‘What if I don't make the basketball team - will people think that I'm a bad athlete?’

The ‘what if's’ can be never ending. Sometimes we even answer the ‘what if’ questions that play over and over in our minds.

For example:

Q: ‘What if I wave my hands in the air?’

A: ‘Everyone might think I look ridiculous. Then I will feel embarrassed. I might even get made fun…not just that day...maybe the rest of the year! People might not want to hang out with me etc.'

    Even if a small voice in your head is saying, ‘Just go ahead, it’ll be fun’, it will take a lot of courage to go against all the ‘what ifs’ your mind has created from the simple act of wanting to wave your hands in the air during a song.

 

Since we all have a strong desire to fit in, to be accepted and to be loved, it’s easy to do or not to do something in order to obtain acceptance.

Most of us spend a lot of time trying to look good for other people and I don't just mean with our fashion sense.

Giving in to the 'worries' of embarrassment and allowing those worries to stop you from being who you truly are, means that you end up missing out on the fun and freedom of allowing yourself to express YOU in a Unique way!

Here is something that I found helpful as a teenager. I wrote down the type of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be Respectful, Understanding and Confident. Whenever a situation would come up I would ask myself if I was being true to those characteristics.

Also ask yourself:

·        Is it more important to 'fit in' at the cost of not being your unique self? (If people put you down for waving your hands to a song, are those the people that you want to call friends?)

or

·        Is it more important for you to enjoy being You? - 'waving your hands in the air like you just don't care' regardless of what others may think. (Plus, deciding to wave your hands in the air, may have others following your lead!)

Always keep in your mind the person that you want to be and make CHOICES that will lead you there!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'          

 P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

No One Likes Being Put Down

Q: Right now one thing I'm really struggling with is self esteem. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter what others think or what others say, but I still get self conscious.  I want to stand out and speak my mind but as soon as I make up my mind to say something a voice in my head tells me that others will think I'm even more of a freak and I often back down.

A: It’s important for us to decide whether or not we will allow our worries of what 'others think' stop us from acting and being who we truly are.  As long as we are not harming other people or ourselves, choosing to be true to who we are is so important. Choosing to be who you are regardless of other people's opinions is not always easy, especially in our school years- but it's possible!

No one likes being put down. I have learned that anything that someone says or does says way more about them and their character then it will ever say about you!

Worrying about loosing friends because of our beliefs and values can interfere with believing in ourselves. It’s important to remember that those who put you down for your beliefs and your values are not friends. True friends accept us. One true friend is worth way more than many friends who don't accept you for You.

Being clear about the person that you truly are, will help you to make choices about your actions, attitudes and reactions. Even though you feel uncomfortable around certain people, knowing your true self will help you act in a way that stays true to You!

People will have their opinions but in the end we have the final say in what we choose to believe about ourselves. Taking life One Good Choice at a Time is a great way to ‘push through’ any insecurity you may be feeling.

The first Good Choice is to replace all your negative, non-supportive thoughts with Positive, UPower thoughts.

FOR EXAMPLE: Your UPower thought might be - 'I choose to be courageous and take a stand for what I believe.'

·        At first your brain might tell you – ‘No you don’t’

·        Write it down so that it is a constant reminder. 

·        Keep With It! The more you read it, think it, say it - the more your brain will believe it!

·        It’s important to keep replacing those old negative thoughts with your New UPower thought!

It’s not always easy to choose to believe in ourselves, but it does get easier and is worth the effort.

·        Choose your thoughts wisely - your attitude depends on it!

·        Choose to believe in YOU even when it feels like NO one else does.

Choose to be who you truly are no matter where you are or who you're with - that’s using your UPower!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'.

Definition UPower® = We can’t always control the circumstances in our lives but we always have the Power to Choose our Choices - this is where our power lies. This is what I call our UPower.

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.

 



You Have the Final Say about What You Believe

Q: I'm so sensitive to what other people say. What should I do?

I am a sensitive person as well. I used to allow everything to bother me because I would take what people did or said personally.

I always wanted everyone to be happy and to get along. I used to do whatever I could to try to fix things so that everything would be peaceful. It got to be exhausting. I started to realize that I couldn’t change and fix others - I could only change me. It can be hard when people don't act in a way that you wish they would, but unless they choose to be different, you can’t 'make them change’.

Choosing not to take things so personally is not always the easiest choice, but it is important, because it will help you build the confidence necessary to feel secure about yourself regardless of what people say/do.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions and to find healthy ways to release them. Holding your emotions inside will only cause you more upset and pain  and just like a balloon that has been filled with too much air - you will explode!

Here are some things that you can choose to do in order to help release your emotions:

• Write/Journal in order to release stress and worries.
• Write your feelings on a piece of paper then rip it up or shred it. 
• Find healthy ways to release your feelings – sports, walking, talking to a friend, punching a pillow etc. For more examples, please see the ‘Healthy Ways to Release Feelings’ download poster on my website listed under FREE STUFF.
• Tell people how you feel either face to face or by letter. This can help to release the emotions that you may be experiencing. Remember to communicate all your thoughts and feelings using the words ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’. Using these words will help you express yourself without blaming the other person. You are only sharing your feelings - not blaming - about the situation. (Remember that you don't have control over how they respond to your feelings)

Here are some things that you can choose to do in order to help build up your self confidence:

• Get clear about the person you want to be so that you can make your thoughts and opinions louder than the words you are sensitive to.
• Post what you want to believe about yourself around your room, so that it can serve as a friendly reminder of who you want to be/how you want to act/feel. (Ex. I choose to be respectful, I choose to be loving and kind etc.)
• Choose to surround yourself with people and friends that accept and support you. If you are having a hard time finding like-minded friends, try joining clubs or sports team. This way you will meet people with a common interest as you. 

Building a 'thicker skin' was something that I had to work on, because if I was sensitive to every opinion I heard, I would have given up on my singing/speaking career years ago. What others say and do says WAY more about them and their character than it will ever say about You!

'That's their opinion and it doesn't mean much...not til you say it does!'

                                     – lyrics from my song ‘Doesn’t Mean Much’

People will always have their opinions but at the end of the day YOU have the final say in whether you choose to believe it or not!

Until next time...

This has been 'my voice' but I respect this is your life - this is 'your choice'

P.S. If you are faced with a circumstance where you need help, one of the best UPower choices you can make is to Reach Out to your parents/adults, teachers, principals, counsellors, friends or www.kidshelpphone.ca to get the support you deserve.

Keep reaching out until someone listens.