A:My mum and I are friends and business partners. We are committed to listening and communicating with one another, but it wasn’t always this way.
When I was growing up, although I could go to my mum and talk about things that were happening in my life, I wouldn’t have called her ‘a friend’. My mum used to always say, ‘You have enough friends. What you need is a parent.’
She wanted me to know that when she said something, made a rule or a consequence - it was for my own good. She would follow through with it. If my mum had decided to be my friend instead of a parent, I think I could have talked my way out of a lot of situations.
Growing up, my mum was strict. I shed many tears over not being allowed to go somewhere or do something that all of my friends were allowed to do. I can remember thinking ‘I will never be so strict when I am a parent!’
Now I am grateful that she raised me the way that she did. Of course, it was hard to see the benefits of her tough rules at the time, but now looking back I can see that it really gave me a push and loads of time to focus on what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be in the world.
My mum may not have been supportive of me doing whatever I wanted to with my friends, but she was very supportive and encouraging of my dream to be a singer.
Now, that I’m not a teenager anymore, my mum and I have created a great friendship. That doesn’t mean that we don’t disagree sometimes, but we never allow the disagreements to affect our relationship in a negative way. We choose to listen, learn, grow and move forward.
We accept each other and admire our differences.
The best tools I have learned in order to create great relationships are to communicate and to truly listen.
Everybody is so different, yet very much the same. We all want to be heard and loved - that is universal. But the way in which we want these two things to happen can be very different.
This is where communication plays a huge role. The only way to really know what each of us expects from one another is to talk about it. I know that in any relationship, not just one with a parent, it is easy to have expectations of ‘what it should look like in order to be great.’ But since we are all different, our expectations for one another will not always be the same.
In relationships, I believe that it is easy for misunderstandings to occur because a lot of the time we assume that people should understand us. I often hear, ‘It is common sense!’ I don’t really think there is such a thing because we all have different life experiences that help make our thinking unique.
For example:
· If I believe that a great friendship should consist of talking on the phone each night and sharing about our day’s events
· and my friend Kristy believes that talking twice a week is all that is needed in order to feel a strong connection to each other, then our expectations are very different.
If we don’t talk about our expectations - here is how it could play out:
· I would call Kristy everyday.Eventually I may stop because I may not always like to be the one initiating the calling.
· Since Kristy only finds it important to talk a couple of times a week she may not think anything of the reduced number of phone conversations.
· This would probably lead me to feeling not cared about and hurt. Meanwhile Kristy never intended for me to feel that way. She just doesn’t find it necessary to talk on the phone as much as I do.
Talking about our expectations and coming up with a plan that works for the relationship is the key to creating a lasting, healthy bond.
This goes for all relationships whether it is with a parent, or friend. What does a great relationship look like for you? You may be surprised with some of your own answers.
Without open communication, misunderstandings can lead to disappointment and upset.
The next part is listening. Great communication isn’t just about sharing all your thoughts and opinions. It is very much about listening to others. To truly understand someone we have to listen and actually hear what they are feeling and saying. Being open to another person’s thoughts and feelings is essential to creating a healthy relationship that you can both benefit from.
When open communication is created and true listening occurs, a great fulfilling relationship is bound to be born. Even when you don't see 'eye to eye' or when you run into bumps along the ‘relationship road’ you will have the tools to move through them.
Until next time...
This has been 'my voice' but I respect that this is your life, this is 'your choice'
Keep reaching out until someone listens.
